An Unsent Letter

I don't really care anymore...

(Just hoping for an OPEN mind from everyone who reads this...)

But, ate Sarah, why the TOOT do you think you're not yet 'skinny' enough? And why should it bother you so much that you're not that skinny? I mean, I don't really understand why you're so into getting 'skinnier' when you already are VERY skinny. I just really don't get why it affects someone as smart as you so much. I don't KNOW what to think. Ano ba, media? And BS naman nun, and very petty. It's such a shallow reason. You need to get skinny just cause others are skinny too? Or just because they're skinnier than you?

O sige, if not that, it's because you want to be healthy. I know it's your life and you don't like it when others interfere with it AND I know it may seem so cowardly and cold, insensitive and all that, for me to be doing this online BUT I REALLY think you're so overdoing being vegan/vegetarian or whatever you call that, I don't really care. But, what's life without a little indulgence? Sobrang nakakistorbong makita iyong isang taong may maliking problema sa sarili niyang katawang sobrang payat na pero para sa kanya ewan ko. Hindi ko na talaga maunawan, dati pa ito nakatago pero wala na, kailangan ko na talaga sabihin. And I know that I am a coward and this is cowardice, but I know that everyone else in the family is thinking along those lines.

And I know that you don't like us telling you what to do or interfering, but that's what family is for. Kung kahit pamilya mo'y hindi kikibo kahit alam nila mali ka, sino pa'ng tutulong sa'yo? Nakakahabag. Kung kahit pamilya mo, 'di kaya sa iyo sabihin ang totoo, sino pa'ng iimik? Kung hindi ka haharapin ng kahit sarili mong pamilya...kawawang nilalang.

Sure, I like being healthy too and maybe for you the way I'm living is unhealthy. Heck, for you, probably like 90% of us, mere humans, does NOT live 'healthy'. But, is the way you're living really 'healthy'? Maybe for you, but maybe not for how others define 'healthy'. I respect you wanting to be healthy and all that but please, sana wag mo pa ring kalimutan alagaan iyong sarili mong katawan. Please.

I know that this is the way you want to live your life. But I just want you to know that I strongly disagree with some of your choices and I'm sorry for not saying them to you face to face but I believe everyone in the family should know and you too. Maybe this is part of my Christmas gift to you--honesty and the truth AT LAST.

I am sorry if this will ruin everything. Your Christmas, our relationship, if this will alienate everyone from me or you from me or all of us from each other. But, as Star says, 'The truth will prevail.' Or something like that. I am sorry if this offends you and I know it will but I just had to do it. But I still love you and that's why I'm telling you this, even though I know you've already heard it from a lot of people.

When everything else falls apart, the only sure thing that will be left standing is your family.

Somehow this turned out to be much longer than I intended it to be.

Di ko lang talaga gets. Sorry. Ok lang kung magalit ka. But I just want to know, why the obssession?

Love,
Kristina

Sorry e-mail lang. Sorry sorry sorry. But I had to say it. Ileana may not have been as direct but I know that someone will eventually have to tell you. It's just that...uRAGAH....

Thanks btw, if you actually read everything. Just wanted you to know.

(was supposed to send it )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chickened out. :)

I guess I realized that it wasn't really worth it. It's nearing Christmas and it is already the "November girls'" birthdays. Me on the 26th, my aunt on the 28th, and my grandma on the 29th, today. I didn't really want to ruin the mood.

I think that it wouldn't have made much of a difference anyway. I think she knows what I put there. I think it would have been an unnecessary cause for argument. As I've said, it was also too cold and impersonal to just send it in the yahoogroups, broadcasting it to everyone. I guess I realized that it would be much better if I just confronted her about it.

But, in reality, maybe I really am just a coward, because though I'm saying all these, I really am torn. I want her to know all these because she might not know all of the things I've said, for example, about the family part. But the again, I don't want to cause unnecessary dispute and cause a possible huge fight. Big things does come from small thing after all.

So though I chickened out from pressing the send button, I'm going to press another one now called 'Publish Post'.

Let Fate decide.

Happiness: In Him alone

AMAZINGLY, I'm actually NOT depressed today. :) Just calm, everything's just fine.

Just a thought that have been plaguing me for a while.

It's just kind of sad to think that I live for the weekend, that every weekday, with all its burden--from school and whatnot--I just really, REALLY wait for the weekend to arrive. So I get 'rest' days which aren't at all enough or restful, what with choir and my tendency of sleeping later than I should. If you think about it, it IS a very miserable existence, if this really is just what my life is: an endless cycle of weekends and weekdays.

But, let us not contemplate such lonely thoughts today. Not today.

I've decided to write something happy for once, since I've realized I've been whining and complaining at almost all the entries I have ever posted here. Beforehand, I didn't even know what happy thoughts I was going to write about. But upon typing the word 'complaining', a memory was triggered so now I have something perfectly happy to write about. Wonderful.

Ms. Ng, our CLE (Christian Life Education) teacher, had always been a very cheerful person. And its always heartening to see her, because she lifts your face and literally turns your frown into an unwilling smile. She's a saint. And I can't forget the time--well, it wasn't that long ago--when she said that we shouldn't complain so much. That for the last two remaining periods after her class, we should try our best not to complain about anything, or better yet, not to complain at all. I forgot why, or what exactly was our lesson then. But more recently, we've watched the Passion of Christ, and it is honestly, the first time I have ever watched it. It really struck me, but what Ms. Ng has been saying (interrupting our watching) was what really struck me more.

Seeing all the blood gushing forth from every single wound inflicted on His body, the flesh being broken and lacerated by filthy, disgusting, yet sharp things, seeing Him tortured and handled so rudely and unfairly, you can't help but to grimace in pain, as if you're being punished yourself, or just to weep in agony. Well, truth be told, I did weep a lot in that movie, yet what made the tears flow more steadily was what Ms. Ng said. She said something along the lines of: It's remarkable how anyone could love us so much, so willing to suffer, die and be humiliated for us. We can never do anything that is enough to be deserving of this much love. WE DO NOT DESERVE HIS LOVE. And everytime we do something wrong, we cause him more pain too. And we are more at sin and at fault than the Romans who crucified him, for they literally did not entirely know what they were doing, that He really is divine. YET, we have all this evidence of His divinity and still we persecute Him. (She said she got this bit from C.S. Lewis and Mel Gibson, I think)

It just really struck something in me. She said, He had to be crucified, WHY? for me. For you, for us all.

It really is a great comfort that no matter how horrible a person you may think you are, how many sins you have committed, how many people you've persecuted yourself, SOMEONE will ALWAYS love you. Teacher said too that there is NOTHING, NOTHING ever that we can do to make God NOT love us.

He suffered so much for us, that's why we should make it worth it. You know, I've never really uncovered the secret of life or maybe in my subconscious I'm just refusing to accept and acknowledge it, but for sure I know one thing. I don't ever want to cause any person the same pain others inflicted on Him.(Duh, I know) Or even just a fraction of it. I don't ever want to cause Jesus any more pain than what he had to carry on that cross of his.

I know that now I've lost most of the vigor, zeal and life I had had previously. My will to live is just a lot less. Yet, I am content. I am happy for the simple knowledge that if there is no other thing certain in this world, His love for me is. And in Him, I seek my comfort.

I know about all the things people have said about religion, and all the arguments people have come up with. Maybe, He is just man's creation to comfort himself. To tell himself that this is not all that life beholds, that there is something after this life. Whatever other people may say, no matter how sound their argument, I know that He is here, with me, always.

Faith is founded on trust and love, and if the beauty of each raindrop that falls, the power of the thunder that shakes the earth, and the gentleness of the sun's caress upon your face is not proof enough of His everlasting presence here with us, then maybe nothing ever will be good enough for you. And if that is so, I pity you.

P.S. And I almost forgot something, teacher also said that we shouldn't be sad at all when watching the Passion, because it is a happy story. It is the greatest love story ever told.

Writing, is it my calling?

I've been insufferably plagued by these insistent urges to write about this novel I've been outlining and planning inside my head for quite a while. (FINE, it has had a few years of planning...but not really continuous planning, more like periodic planning.)

This image/words/thoughts/whatnot(I can't really justifiably define it, whatever it is, because it happens inside my cluttered head.) can't get out of my head.

Striking, bright yellow eyes stared back at me from the corner of my bed. Another pair of eyes appeared right next to them, except these ones were constantly changing color. They conspicuously stood out against the stark darkness of my room. Yet, instead of being downright frightened and alarmed had I been any other person but me, I did nothing at all and just stared right back, waiting for the inevitable.

"It's time" the owner of the yellow eyes said.

It's a scene from the story/novel/trash that is being constructed inside the workroom called my brain. And obviously, there's a lot more story behind than just it...I just can't...ugh...I don't know what's wrong with me. (Here's a little tidbit--it's closely related to our religion, except it's fantasy and sci-fi and about the end of the world...things like that, the second coming of Christ. And the three people which are portrayed in the previously presented scene is the central focus of the story. They're kind of like reincarnations of Mary, Joseph and an extra character, although they AREN'T Joseph and Mary, just the ones who get their roles. Something like that. Oh, this story has been brewing inside my brain for ages.)

Anyhow, I had wanted to write about something else here, previously, but I'll have to postpone it again because I if I start writing about it (It being colonial mentality in the Philippines.) then I'd end up making a very boring, long-winded discussion/debate/rant entry. SO, that's for another time. :)

Kristina's Lament

I guess it has always been one of the greatest questions of all time. What is my purpose in this world? What exactly am I here for? What is my worth? Am I even valuable to today's society? Or am I dispensable?

Sometimes, I, myself, have claimed to know the answers to these mind-'bogglers'(Yes, a made-up word, indeed). But I guess some truths aren't as simple as they should be, some are two-sided and fickle.

I am writing in the midst of hell week, using valuable time for writing on this blog. But i can't help it. I feel like I've just been pummeled by a charging gargantuan rhinoceros, trampled by Hitler's Nazi army, and thrown a thousand feet deeper than the deepest pits of hell. Not a very nice feeling at all.

And this feeling of utter nothingness after, a grim acceptance of fate, aghast and miserable inside, is made all the worse because the tears seem to defy the laws of nature and refuse to fall. All the more worse because I cannot even manifest my misery and sheer hopelessness. Maybe it's shock, I don't know.

This terrible despair just over a damn 6-paged, 100 pointed, math algebra test. Is it worth it? I don't really know if it is for whoever or for this world. But the big deal is, to me it is. It matters so much that now I am again considering the meaning of my life. NO, I am not suicidal just miserable. And I hate it!

How can I be the one who defines myself by my grades? Is my academic achievement all that I possess? Is my worth, my whole being, my 'excellence', defined by an insufficient 2-digit number?? IS IT REALLY? Is this all that I have that can make me valuable in the world? My grades?

I guess, deep down this is what I believe in. A greater foolishness cannot be manifested. Yet, I can't seem to find other things which would make me have some worth in the world. Or am I looking at all the wrong places? Holy mama, I don't know.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

And that's the cherry on top of the icing on the cake. I've always took pride in my academic achievement because I guess I believe it is all I have, therefore, all that could make me valuable. Yet, is it really not meant to be? Is this not really my fate? To be an academic overachiever? Then what else can I be, really? I don't believe I have anything more to offer. My accomplishments were results of my hard work, none of them just by pure talent. Maybe some of the times, but very rarely. Yes, I know all of it, I can look at truth in the face. I know I'm good at art, maybe even better in writing, tolerable in singing and dancing. I even have compassion and I do like helping others. HOWEVER, all my 'great' accomplishments were never the product of my brilliance or excellence in these various fields, but they were born because of my Pride. The Pride in me that refuses to give up because I HAD to succeed. The Pride that gave me the determination and perseverance to be hard-working so as to accomplish great things. I knew if I wasn't at least 'excellent' in my studies, I have nothing more which I possess. See, I am NOTHING. Just a girl filled to the brim by arrogant Pride.

I am no great talent nor am I a selfless philanthropist,I am not the resplendently brilliant diamond in a jar full of copper coins, yet, why was I the one cursed with such great ambition?

Another question ranking the same level of mind 'bogglingness' as those mentioned beforehand.

Oh, Life, God, the Creator, why have you put me in this world where all I can hope to achieve is nothing?

I KNOW I should be thankful that I am receiving a decent education, others aren't. I have a whole family, other's do not. I am healthy, cancer-free, sane enough(I think), living luxuriously enough and I do have at least a quarter of a teaspoon of talent. MAN, I am ALIVE, and others are DEAD! (Or will never have the chance to be born.)

Yet what is the glitch or maybe not a glitch anymore but have become a GREAT FLAW in me that hinders me from being so?

Why is it that I can't get over the fact that because I failed to answer at least 5 questions worth multiple points in the damned 6-paged, 100 pointed math algebra II test? The failure to answering them that may lead to at least 20 points deduction which will result in a mark of 80 over 100 which may then pull my grades below the borderline grade of 85 in the report card which would then make it impossible for me to attain an honor, WHICH will then make me NOT a consistent honor student, therefore, never to go up the stage during graduation, which would then destroy all my dreams.

But then, the question: 'Why does it matter so much?', always ends up popping up. Why does it matter so much? How can my own thinking be so gruesomely warped and distorted that I can't seem to consider myself as a decent human being if I don't graduate with flying colors? I know, my records wouldn't be pristine, would not anymore be sickeningly pure line of 9's and filled with honors. My great "ACHIEVEMENT" and previous hard work to attain all the previous honors WOULD BE FOR NOTHING.

I MIGHT NEVER GO UP ON THAT STAGE ANYWAY! ALL BECAUSE OF ONE FREAKIN SUBJECT!

Which inevitably lead me to question my worth in this world. Was I really made to attain great academic achievements, or was I meant to have another destiny? Or do I have NO destiny at all? Then again, the same question: WHY GIVE ME THIS UNBEARABLE THIRST FOR EXCELLENCE? Or at least this warped form of excellence I can't help but yearn for.

What is my worth?

After all these thoughts have went through my head, my misery is still unable to profess itself. Resulting in this unbearable numbness, maybe even worse than hysterically weeping, mourning the probable impossibility of my dream because of a damned 2-digit number.

Is numbness really better? Or is it really just the calm before the storm?

Hell Week

Hell week's just waiting by the corner. SHOCKS. 2nd Quarter Periodical Tests... Lots and lots of topics and lessons. HOPE I can make my brain work up to par all throughout the whole week. AND that I get off my lazy butt.

MEHN. Wasn't really inspired much to write about anything specific. What should I write about? Well, I just hope I get line of nines in the PT's, get a higher honor, and loose weight! YEY! Hehehe...but during PT's I actually end up eating more as a form of procrastination. :|

ANYHOW, enough about the PT's.

Lately, I haven't been able to go out much. Been busy, schoolwork, choir practices and of course, READING. (I do hope one day I could be the one making the writing...) Starting last month, I was the kind of choir head/president, and I'm happy because my voice quality has improved by a milestone. :) I hope the improvement remains steady. With my new vocal prowess (:D) I am now a member of the choir's group A, aka the elite. Hahaha... J/K! But we are the kind of elite in a way because only group A members would be able to perform/compete. The group B's would be like trainees.

Good accomplishment.

OH, now I know what to really rant about. MATH is just killing me. QUIZESS: 7.5, 7, 7, 9.5, 10, 10, bagsak(I think), bagsak(I wager)...Don't have them yet! NAKAKAINIS! Ms. Bugayong should just give them already, she checks so slowly! MAN. Now PT's just around the corner, how can we review if we don't know our mistakes?? I hope I still get an 85 at least in math. :| It's because Ms. Bugayong has been absent for decades so we had to catch up, therefore get bombarded with lessons and have to take tests immediately after even if we haven't even completely mastered these lessons yet when the other two sections(star sec.) have already had several practice sheets/whatnot. HOW unfair.

I guess my Filipino's just as bad. 10, 9, 7, 6, 9, 9, 8 cancel the 6. STILL LOW. Just happy she's making me recite more, so at least I can make up for it somewhat. Hope I get line of 9!!!

So these are just little tidbits of what's going on in my head (which has decided, on the worst moment ever, to go on leave. So I am also currently brain dead, or at least my brain is lagging....) which has almost too much to handle.

LOVELOVELOVE--KC

"If God sends us on stony paths, he will provide us with strong shoes."

...have to advance Chinese! Dami aaralin. :(

Overload

Not really overload as in homework overload. Just that I have so much to say again. I want to write about the Neanderthals, the prreeeevious topic we had in AP. Haha...so long ago, back in first quarter. (It's already the second quarter)

Ha, talking about the quarters reminds me of the periodical tests or PT's. GAAAD. I think I won't get second honor anymore....AGH, don't think about it. I HOPE I GET SECOND FRICKEN HONOR. GAAAAM... I only got a frickin line of 8 in Science! I hate my arithmetic skills. I suck in mental math. Oh, mehn. And science is one of my fortes. SUPPOSEDLY. At least I still got a 94 in English. Thank papa. Oh yea, and I got perfect in CLE. :) And you know what?? My lowest was HOOOOLY FUGGIN FILIPINO! An 81! Binibining Lazaro is a grade-murderer. :| But she teaches really good, she just tests us so HARD. MAHN. My math is even higher than Filipino, what a shocker.

Enough about grades.

Since I have been dormant for the past 2 months. I shall begin ranting about my class and whatever is related to it. HA HA HA.

First of all, yes!, I'm in a star section. :) And the one with the valedictorian at that. I'm hoping being in a star section will help me grade-wise too. It's not really that much of a change. Just that about 90% of the class are composed of smarts. But they're all very kind people! I'm so glad they're my classmates. Hahaha...I think I'm irritating them a lot already, with my endless inquiries about the assignments and whatnot. I hope not.

But of course, with the good also comes the evil. There are some people that are still shallow too. VERY MUCH SO. AGH. And I'm pretty offended by the people who make fun of me, but I just try my best to not mind them. They don't mean nothin' anyway. If you think about it, they are pitiful creatures with nothing better to do than waste time criticizing others for no purpose at all, just because they have nothing better to do or that's all their puny minds can handle. Ha, they suck assssss. But what really offended me the most was that I had NEVER been mean to them that way, i even encouraged them and in a strange way, prayed and supported them. It just stings when people you previously thought were decent ones turned out to be the exact opposite.

But enough about them. Hahaha... I am also in the Science Achiever's program. We are the top 20 people in the batch in SCIENCE. Yes, science. We have kind of like 'extension' classes every Thursday until 5:30 PM. It's kind of fun actually. And our teacher's nice even if her English isn't that great, but she's aware of it and at least tries to improve. She's Ms. Bernardo and she's a Chemistry teacher. The class is kind of like an advanced one, but not really. We are supposed to be develop and enhance our skills by the end of the program. And be prepared for college tests and college itself. We WILL also have experiments and currently have a presentation by each group which my group are still not done with.

Pretty cool, huh?

Everything is ok so far. My teacher's are ok, my class is ok, and life is ok. But I don't really want OK, ya' know? I want a ginormous, bright, flashing, neon 'GREAT'.

Oh well, hope it becomes that way one day. I keep hoping too much, don't I? It's just that I don't feel fulfilled, like there's something lacking. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. i have an idea, but it's too...whatever to be even written down here.

P.S. I am also planning on writing a poem about a tree. I know, random, but it's just a thought. And, I don't want to forget. :) It's pending title is 'If a tree could love...' Gives you already an idea of what's it about.

I, Kristina. LOL.

"Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light." - A Ring of Endless Light by Madeleine L'engle

Summer is ending and school's about to start.

I think it is true, you know. We adolescents have very unstable moods. It's so fickle. It IS like a cycle, like what Valeriano Hernandez-Pena said about happiness. You're so unbelievably happy one moment and the next, it's gone as fast as the wind and replaced with infinite sadness and hopelessness that you're left to wonder if you've ever even felt an iota of that happiness in the first place. Or vice versa.

I encounter this ALWAYS.

God, it hurts. My dad, just slightly raising his voice at me. I guess the effect of his anger is multiplied because he so rarely lets go of it that when he does, you know that he's finally lost all his patience. AND he's a very patient person.

Just shows how infuriating I am and how bad and noisy and big-mouthed I am. I do hate myself.

He just slightly raised his voice at me when he told me to leave and go because we had choir and I was shouting at him about my iPod. And THAT made me cry and lose my composure, so I missed choir. I don't want ANYBODY seeing me lose my composure and bawling my eyes out. (And my mom has to shout to me a lot of harsh and very painful words and give a sermon to me before I cry.)

And yesterday, I was feeling so happy and content.

Wow.

I do feel regret you know. For missing choir. But I guess I can't undo it and if I still go I would be late and that would be bad. After all, for sir, being late is just as bad as being absent. Or maybe even worse, I dunno.

So I haven't been updating for a long time. Well, obviously since I missed choir, now I have time, but I'm about to fix my room soon. And I haven't had time for the past few weeks. It has been hectic. Competition in swimming, competition AND concert in choir.

Ok, this was good therapy.

:) Catch you later. :))