Now, in High School, so many things seem so cliche, overused, overrated, repetitive and unoriginal. Is it ok to feel so jaded at this point of my life? I'm still very,very young, by the world's standards anyway. I just feel so old sometimes, like I'm so fed up with some things about life. NOTE: I am NOT suicidal.
I mean, so many things in class are repeated again and again. Ideas, opinions, and answers repeated so many times, as if they're memorized by rote. Sure, the occasional original ideas--Well, I guess I'm being kind of stingy here. (Since our class is a star section, after all.) So, fine, the more than occasional--original, enlightening answer is more than welcomed and is refreshing. But still, so many things that are overspent just so stubbornly persist to crop up again and again in the vast field of life. Silly little weeds.
And well, these weeds include all the traits 'we' say is HUMAN NATURE. It's just tiring to just always use and hear this excuse time and time again. See, let's list all the things ascribed to human nature: (Oh, where do I even start?) Defensiveness, Jealousy/Envy, Greed, Sloth, developing Prejudices, Selfishness, Consciousness, Making mistakes, Loving, Hating, Caring, Lust, (HAHAHA...sensing the theme here? Want a dose of the Seven Deadly Sins, anyone?) PRIDE/VANITY, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
It just disgusts me, sickens me, revolts me how so infested I am with these so called weeds. I am so filled with pride, jealousy, probably all the seven deadly sins. And what's so completely ironic about it is the fact that I can be and am actually so loving, compassionate, carefree and happy. I'm always so torn, always in the gray area. Belonging to neither area.
GECK, I'm having an identity crisis here.
But it's so true. I'd get so unbelievably, outrageously jealous and envious but at the same time, I'll be telling myself to stop it. Self-pity is not a good habit. I'll tell myself to stop comparing myself to others, AND believe me I do want to stop. (Gore, it sounds like a freakin' addiction.) But no matter how much I tell myself I'm going to stop and no matter how much I reprimand myself, it never stops. It never will--But, I hope it will. SEE? I'm like this--I AM THE PERSONIFICATION, THE PERFECT LIVING EXAMPLE OF A WALKING CONTRADICTION.
And it so irritates me how obsessive I can be with some things, even though I do not want to obsess over it. I abhor this habit of mine. And I know about all that tee-tee-too things like, "If you want to stop it, you can." "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right. " Yes, I know. But, lookie here. It's harder than it seems.
I just obsess over even the simplest things: how I look, how I speak, my achievements, recognition given to me, how I do things. I do have a "High Need for Precision". And yes, a PSYCHOlogical test claimed that. So, I'll finally get down to why I wrote this post in the first place. I am so OBSESSIVE over how I look. BUT, I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't want to be a pitiful superficial being.
Ok, no more fancy stuff or any grandiloquence. I'll just spit it out.
I'm so sickeningly, disgustingly, reprehensibly, abhorrently jealous. I'm so detrimentally jealous because I am not as pretty as I'd lead myself to believe. (I know, WHAT THE HECK? Who thought I could be this superficial, right? Yeah, I am such a hypocrite. Aren't we all? HAHAHA...another thing to add to our list of human nature attributes.)Humph, I'm so depressed because of that. And for a person who does not want to be so attached to worldly things I am so imprisoned by it. I do want to be free. I don't want to live an existence that's limited to the surface. I want to be content. I want to be happy.
Sheesh, I don't even know what exactly I want.
I can't help comparing myself to others. I am just so disheartened when I see so much better people around me. I don't want to be a serial killer,no. I'm just sooo, sooo jealous. I can't take it if someone's better than me. I really need to learn humility. I AM such a horrible person. I hate myself too. YES, YOU don't have to read this you know. Since, I'm pouring my heart out and all, and some people don't really like seeing (or reading about) the blackened contents of a poisoned--twisted heart.
I don't like this any more than you do. I want to know who I am, what I can do, how far I can go. I want to be realistic and hopefully, naively optimistic at the same time. I can be totally consumed with jealousy, admiration, and self-disgust at the same time. I can hate what's happening so much and yet still want to love it in spite of the circumstances. I can love so utterly and hate so passionately. I'm a walking fuse. I don't know how much more time's left till I'm really overspent.
AND YET, despite all the things I abhor and cannot accept about myself, I want to. Yes, I'm getting repetitive already, I know. I just REALLY can't get over it. I'd always thought--cocky and arrogant, I know. I think I even romanticized myself to myself--that XY-chromosomed beings would literally fall at my feet. I'd always believed cocky and arrogant people are that way because they think that they don't have anything else other than what they're being cocky/arrogant about so they romanticize their view of themselves enough to delude even themselves because they think that thing they're arrogant they have is the ONLY thing they have that's actually worthy of space. So, arrogant people are arrogant because, truth is, THEY DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING. And when the brutality of the truth would crash down on them, rising up after falling a gazillion miles to the ground is impossible--unthinkable. LAGAPAK. Or maybe that's just me. But I almost-positively do not believe so.
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Not connected at all. Yes, I'm quirky like this.
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN I'VE EVER LAID MY MALNOURISHED EYES ON:
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