Come rain, come thunder!

I really, really don't know why. I don't know why I am suddenly in a better mood when the storm and the rain comes. I love the rain, the thunder. I love the smell of the air promising rain to come. It's just, majestic! Hahahahaha... I love brownouts, the cold the thunderstorms bring. The relief from the ruthless heat of summer. :) I thrive in the rain. I simply love it.

I mean, isn't it miraculous? The rain. The hurricane. It destroys. Trees get battered by the strong wind and they fall. Roofs are blown away. Houses broken and destroyed. People are left homeless. Electric and phone lines, disrupted. But the rain also builds. It waters the soil for new saplings to grow. The fallen trees become hindrances and cause more destruction but they can also become nourishment for the land and soil. The rain cleanses. For me, I feel rejuvenated and my soul is cleansed. I feel reborn and alive.

See...I've been deeply depressed yesterday. But before yesterday, I was confident. I was in a high, then from flying, I instantly plummeted. Down, down, down. Tears were summoned forth. It was irrational and so sudden. It was weird. I don't even know how to explain it myself. Dunno, if it's hormones or whatever. But I think I AM just really lacking in the self-esteem and self-confidence department.

For me, I am very fat and it disgusts me. I don't know why, but it does. I mean I'm not obese or anything...I just am not in my preferred weight. Heheheh...

Don't wanna remember it anymore. :( I just am not satisfied. I know...it's so ungrateful. I should be thankful I have a home to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, good education, etc. etc.

But I really don't know why...

I'm just NOT satisfied. I'm not happy. I don't feel fulfillment.

I get very high grades, I don't look bad(well, my face doesn't), if I loose weight, I would definitely look great, I have a loving family, I can make art, I can dance well(I think) but really...sometimes I feel as if it means nothing. I'm a very mean person, so self-centered and cruel. I only think of myself most of the time and I wager that the only thing I care about almost as much as I care about me is the environment. Or, that's probably how others perceive me.

But I do love my family. I just don't really treat them nicely. I am mean, cruel and self-centered. Very frank and honest. But maybe, not enough to myself about issues concerning myself.

I do feel bad whenever I hurt them verbally, or for instance, abuse Ileana's kindness and forgivingness. I feel bad when I talk back to my parents, but I do believe despite the fact that they are my parents, I should still have the freedom to tell them what I think. I feel bad when I abuse people's kindness. I feel bad whenever I treat people like they're just a lowly spec of dust. I feel bad when I hurt people by what I say. But I can't help it. I believe in honesty is the best policy shit that I always, ALWAYS, say what is on my mind, I simply cannot lie to people. Call it tactless, thoughtless, or whatever. You're probably right.

I'm such a contradiction. Most of the times my actions are not in coherence with my intentions. I'm just--I dunno! There's just so many things that I feel in one instant...it's such a jumbled mess and the output is not nice. When I'm not in a good mood anyway. Heh. I'm sick of it.

I am almost certain I have an inferiority complex. I feel like shit whenever someone in a room is more prettier than me. So irrational...so unexplainable, so damn STUPID. I don't even know why I feel that way. I am such a conundrum.

Oh man. I guess being stuck in the house for so long surrounded by so much mess leads us plummeting to depression.

Got( ;] ), this sucks.

And it looks like the rain's over.