Human Nature?

Listening to: The Corrs :) (I love the song "What Can I Do")

Now, in High School, so many things seem so cliche, overused, overrated, repetitive and unoriginal. Is it ok to feel so jaded at this point of my life? I'm still very,very young, by the world's standards anyway. I just feel so old sometimes, like I'm so fed up with some things about life. NOTE: I am NOT suicidal.

I mean, so many things in class are repeated again and again. Ideas, opinions, and answers repeated so many times, as if they're memorized by rote. Sure, the occasional original ideas--Well, I guess I'm being kind of stingy here. (Since our class is a star section, after all.) So, fine, the more than occasional--original, enlightening answer is more than welcomed and is refreshing. But still, so many things that are overspent just so stubbornly persist to crop up again and again in the vast field of life. Silly little weeds.

And well, these weeds include all the traits 'we' say is HUMAN NATURE. It's just tiring to just always use and hear this excuse time and time again. See, let's list all the things ascribed to human nature: (Oh, where do I even start?) Defensiveness, Jealousy/Envy, Greed, Sloth, developing Prejudices, Selfishness, Consciousness, Making mistakes, Loving, Hating, Caring, Lust, (HAHAHA...sensing the theme here? Want a dose of the Seven Deadly Sins, anyone?) PRIDE/VANITY, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

It just disgusts me, sickens me, revolts me how so infested I am with these so called weeds. I am so filled with pride, jealousy, probably all the seven deadly sins. And what's so completely ironic about it is the fact that I can be and am actually so loving, compassionate, carefree and happy. I'm always so torn, always in the gray area. Belonging to neither area.

GECK, I'm having an identity crisis here.

But it's so true. I'd get so unbelievably, outrageously jealous and envious but at the same time, I'll be telling myself to stop it. Self-pity is not a good habit. I'll tell myself to stop comparing myself to others, AND believe me I do want to stop. (Gore, it sounds like a freakin' addiction.) But no matter how much I tell myself I'm going to stop and no matter how much I reprimand myself, it never stops. It never will--But, I hope it will. SEE? I'm like this--I AM THE PERSONIFICATION, THE PERFECT LIVING EXAMPLE OF A WALKING CONTRADICTION.

And it so irritates me how obsessive I can be with some things, even though I do not want to obsess over it. I abhor this habit of mine. And I know about all that tee-tee-too things like, "If you want to stop it, you can." "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right. " Yes, I know. But, lookie here. It's harder than it seems.

I just obsess over even the simplest things: how I look, how I speak, my achievements, recognition given to me, how I do things. I do have a "High Need for Precision". And yes, a PSYCHOlogical test claimed that. So, I'll finally get down to why I wrote this post in the first place. I am so OBSESSIVE over how I look. BUT, I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't want to be a pitiful superficial being.

Ok, no more fancy stuff or any grandiloquence. I'll just spit it out.

I'm so sickeningly, disgustingly, reprehensibly, abhorrently jealous. I'm so detrimentally jealous because I am not as pretty as I'd lead myself to believe. (I know, WHAT THE HECK? Who thought I could be this superficial, right? Yeah, I am such a hypocrite. Aren't we all? HAHAHA...another thing to add to our list of human nature attributes.)Humph, I'm so depressed because of that. And for a person who does not want to be so attached to worldly things I am so imprisoned by it. I do want to be free. I don't want to live an existence that's limited to the surface. I want to be content. I want to be happy.

Sheesh, I don't even know what exactly I want.

I can't help comparing myself to others. I am just so disheartened when I see so much better people around me. I don't want to be a serial killer,no. I'm just sooo, sooo jealous. I can't take it if someone's better than me. I really need to learn humility. I AM such a horrible person. I hate myself too. YES, YOU don't have to read this you know. Since, I'm pouring my heart out and all, and some people don't really like seeing (or reading about) the blackened contents of a poisoned--twisted heart.

I don't like this any more than you do. I want to know who I am, what I can do, how far I can go. I want to be realistic and hopefully, naively optimistic at the same time. I can be totally consumed with jealousy, admiration, and self-disgust at the same time. I can hate what's happening so much and yet still want to love it in spite of the circumstances. I can love so utterly and hate so passionately. I'm a walking fuse. I don't know how much more time's left till I'm really overspent.

AND YET, despite all the things I abhor and cannot accept about myself, I want to. Yes, I'm getting repetitive already, I know. I just REALLY can't get over it. I'd always thought--cocky and arrogant, I know. I think I even romanticized myself to myself--that XY-chromosomed beings would literally fall at my feet. I'd always believed cocky and arrogant people are that way because they think that they don't have anything else other than what they're being cocky/arrogant about so they romanticize their view of themselves enough to delude even themselves because they think that thing they're arrogant they have is the ONLY thing they have that's actually worthy of space. So, arrogant people are arrogant because, truth is, THEY DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING. And when the brutality of the truth would crash down on them, rising up after falling a gazillion miles to the ground is impossible--unthinkable. LAGAPAK. Or maybe that's just me. But I almost-positively do not believe so.
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Not connected at all. Yes, I'm quirky like this.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN I'VE EVER LAID MY MALNOURISHED EYES ON:

Survey from My Cousin

Please answer these questions truthfully and thoroughly. Thank you very much! (Need more space?? Please write on the back of this paper indicating Q#.)
Female ( X, wait x ba meaning no? HEHE JOKE! :D) Male ( ) Age:15…ata. Wait…uhh 1993 basta un… JOKE. :D Good luck sa survey/project mo! Here comes my stupendous answers to your most wonderful survey! YEY! Cue the fanfare!

1. What music do you listen to? Why?

Mostly jazz, pop, classical, pop-opera(or whatever you call it, basta JOSH GROBAN :D), (melodic and not SCREECHY) rock, slow sweet songs, BASTA ung relaxing. (Pwede ba tagalog? HAHAHA…ANYHOW, you can translate anyway. )

I like listening to music that put you in a good mood, those with good lyrics and catchy melodies. I like those kind of music basically just because they make you feel better. When you’re feeling down, they cheer you up (especially those with uplifting lyrics). And good songs really calm you down. I love Norah Jones, most of her songs really make me feel super relaxed and just calm—like I’m apart from all the chaotic madness of life.
So here’s a list of artists I like:
Norah Jones(obviously), Josh Groban(obviously again :D), Corinne Bailey Rae, Kevin Kern, Jason Mraz, Jon McLaughlin(LISTEN TO INDUSTRY!! GRABE UNG PIANO PART!! :D), Vanessa Carlton, Taylor Swift(I know, not the greatest lyrics-wise, but her song “Love Story” is just reallyreallyreally sweet and it’s a feel-good song :D But I don’t like it when she’s just moping about a guy in some of her songs)

I don’t like listening to those kind of “music” (and this is using the term broadly) which are full of nonsensical lyrics about sex, drugs, hot girls, etc.etc. AND I hate it when they use bad grammar and COIN terms with no special meaning at all. Para lang magfit sa music. EWAN. AGH. I hate it when they use the ALLURE of practically naked women in music videos. (Sorry, I’m kinda ranting here. It’s just that I hate what’s happening to ‘MUSIC’ nowadays. I MEAN, you know that new Hilary Duff song which just repeats this imperative sentence again and again and again: “REACH OUT AND TOUCH ME.” Where’s the vocal ability? The creativity? SHEESH!! And this sing has actually gone farther than those other songs with only ONE repetitive word/phrase. At least now they’ve managed a sentence.) Don’t get me wrong, I know that not all rap music are about those worldly things, and I do appreciate some music of those kind because they’re catchy. HAHAHA…but I get to know of them involuntarily, unlike those kind of music that I really like which I know of voluntarily. I mean involuntarily because I just hear them through media or because my brother’s playing his music.

2. What TV shows or channels do you usually watch? Why?
Uhhhm. I Don’t watch much TV, but when I do, I watch American Idol.  I watch ETC, Lifestyle Network, 2nd Avenue, Fox Crime, NatGeo and Discovery Channel, sometimes MTV(when I like the music video= not filled with practically-naked women). I watch those because they entertain me? Hahaha…Well, let’s see. Fox Crime, NatGeo and Discovery Channel are channels I watch because they sometimes have really interesting documentaries/shows that intrigue me. Like say, this one about the mind of serial killers in Fox Crime (forgot the name of the show). Why did they become that way? What lead to their massacring of countless numbers of people?

But sometimes, when I just want an instant respite from the harsh realities of life (HAHA, JOKE LANG, di ako emo)—I mean, when I just want to be entertained I watch reality TV shows in those other channels. AND who doesn’t like watching Iron Chef? MEHN, just looking at the food is torture. See? If they made TV’s 4D, you’ll smell the food too! Ahhh….WAW.

I personally am not very fond of sitcoms or soap operas. They require too much time and some of them don’t even HAVE a point.

3. What do you read? Why?
Books! Hahaha, what else? I read good books. LOL. Genre: Fantasy, adventure, fiction and also non-fiction. But I’m more of a YA-reader still.  I love adventure/fantasy fiction. The epitome of my favourite kind of book would probably be the first book of Ranger’s Apprentice/ Harry Potter :D. I also am fond of Jodi Piccoult’s work. She writes really really well with depth to her characters. I read these books because they entertain me, and because I actually learn from them. Books I’ve learned a lot from: Harry Potter(yes, seriously, here’s an example, Dumbledore said: “Someday, people will have to choose between what’s easy and what’s right.” It’s so true. Also, here’s another one: “Play to your strength.” This was by Mad-Eye Moody. :D) See, I read non-fiction which teach you lessons too. For example: The Last Lecture.

4. Do you smoke? What brand? Why?
NOPE. NEVER! Smoking kills every type of living system. It kills animals(HUMANS, THAT MEANS YOU AND THE PEOPLE WHO INHALE WHAT YOU’VE EXHALED—if you’re a smoker, that is.), and out nature. I don’t know if it kills specie from the Kingdoms Protista, Monera, Fungi and Plantea, but it sure as heck kills the planet. Smokers are murderers and victims themselves. What a pitiful way to EXIST.

5. Do you drink? What is your choice of drink? Why?
NOPE. Well, let’s see, I’m 15. Isn’t that enough reason? I’d probably consider drinking some in the future, but that’s in the very far future. And largely because they say drinking wine has benefits.

6. Where do you go on the weekends? Why?
Uhmm… church? Because I’m Catholic and I sing in the choir. I go to my grandmother’s house because it’s tradition for our family and it’s the part of the week I look forward most to because I love seeing my family. Those are the two constant places I go to every weekend. Sometimes, the malls and restaurants because of course, you gotta get outta the house too, ya know?

7. What do you do on the weekends? Why?
I do my homework (DUH). I go to those places mentioned beforehand. I read, listen to music, eat, sleep, etc. What else? Sometimes, there’s the occasional party or soiree or special event.

8. What do you wear on the weekends? Why?
Clothes? Hahaha…what kind of question is this? Umm, casual clothes? Depends on the occasion/event I’m going to. Uniform for choir.

9. What activities are you involved with?
What do you mean? Organizations? The choir and schoolwork(hahaha),. I am a member of the Batch Production crew, I was a Facilitator for the Xavier-ICA interaction. What do you mean exactly? Hahaha….basta yan.

10. What are your choices of fashion brands? Why?
Kamiseta, Plains and Prints and Bayo. I don’t know, because they have good clothes? Nice quality, nice fit, nice designs?

Iyong iba kahit sa department store na, why not? Sayang sa pera. Hahahaha….

11. What would you never be caught dead wearing? Why?
Uhhmm… I don’t know. Uhh, a super micro-mini skirt, (excuse the vulgarity)‘pekpek’ shorts. (You know what I mean) Those that show too much in the chest area. I think I’m a pretty conservative dresser. Hahaha, di ako furniture.

12. Do you consider yourself a trend-setter/trendy? Why?
Uhm, well, since in school we’re all just basically wearing the same thing—uniforms—I don’t think it applies that much. But I’m not a trend-setter. I just dress how I want to dress. Sure, I also sometimes go with what’s ‘in’, but because I want to not because I’m compelled to.

13. Do people consider you as a trend-setter/trendy? What makes you think so?
Nope, as I’ve said before, the only thing you could probably trend-set in school are the socks you wear and the way you wear your hair. And changing your style of socks can land you in the principals office. Anyhow, I’m not much focused on these things anyway. I do care about how I look but not too much that I lose sight of more important things.

14. How important is it for you to be a trend-setter/trendy? Why?
Obviously not very much. Refer to number 13. :D

15. What is your definition of “cool” and being cool?
None. Hahaha…Well…I guess I identify cool with those things that amaze me. Let’s say, may nasabugan ng bomba, tapos nabuhay pa siya. Iyon ay COOL. ASTIG, dba? Hahaha…ewan. Joke lang. Ewan ko. I don’t really use that word much, only when you have nothing else to say. HAHAHAHA! COOL=Malamig! :D Hahahaha….Cool(the kind of cool you’re looking for, I think), I believe, is defined by media. (Pop culture)


LONG ENOUGH? :D

Anger Management

Sheesh. What is this day? Officially Terrible(TE-RI-BL-E) Anger Day? I know corny, but what the heck? So, what I'm not creative. Sheesh.

SHEESH. (I'm saying that a lot.)

My whole being is waiting to burst from suppressed anger. Morning started out badly, the afternoon resurrected the blood-boiling episode and just this night, I am so MAD...SO ANGRY!! ARRRRRGGHHH! So many thoughts are running through my head. They're like just zip-zapping all over my mind. This one leads me to another thought and another and another. So on and so forth.

But oddly, once I've started writing, I can't even remember half of what I've been thinking. Weird.

It's just so frustrating! I'm really trying so hard to be not so temperamental and to do WHAT JESUS WOULD DO if he were in my situation. But IT IS HARD.

I have the WEIRDEST dreams.

Seriously, I do. I mean, my Biology teacher said something about recording your dreams and eventually you'll find a pattern or something like that. But my dreams, MEHN. I don't think I'm finding any pattern at all--only that they are so utterly RANDOM.

So first off, I remember this dream I had...Though I just remember snippets as of now. But I remember that Reese Witherspoon was there and some people I don't know, some of them grannies and grandpas, we were looking for someone. I think the grannies were holding weapons, like knives or something. And then there was this big house and it was kind of dark.

Next, I remember that in the dream it was Halloween. Then in the dream I kinda knew what was going to happen BUT I still got surprised when this thing (I forgot. LOL) came out from a shelf behind this guy...

And just this morning. MAHN, was my dream SO weird. I remember that first I was in a bookstore-ish shop in a beach. It was big, and I remember that it was all woody, dark wood. And then I was buying or looking for a book, I don't exactly remember all the details. I went to this rack/stack of books then I met 3D people there. Omar, I remember most. But RR, Ramon and others were present, I think.

THEN, suddenly, I was in a car (or this is all I remember) and there were three of us at the very front of the car. There was a girl at the leftmost corner, I think then our driver, and then me at the rightmost corner(Yep, I don't know how 3 people could fit in the front too. We were at the white Hiace/Van). The driver was falling asleep while driving us so he was slumping in the seat and falling on his side on ME. SHEESH. I remember that he was directing the car to go straight then dozing off...It was scary!

THEN, we were at Arcadia. I just remember SPICY CHICKEN and the fact that my cousin, Sarah was the one who cooked it, IF I remember correctly. OH MEHN... I think I dreamed all this when I was already about to wake up because I remember that I was actually thinking while I was in the dream about the dream. Weird.

AND YESTERDAY! WHOAH! I remeber only one scene. Melanie O., my classmate was there. I remember that we were talking about supernatural things, specifically about supernatural creatures/beings--vampires, I think. She said that there was this being/vampire/I-don't-know-because-I'm-not-sure which can REPRODUCE. YES, I did not forget that Mel was actually speaking in a very scholarly manner. And that he can reproduce--he is white-haired, by the way. Not Spike or whatever his name was in Buffy. He has un-gel(ed) white hair. Anyway, I'm digressing here. SO, this guy/being can reproduce if he's procreating in front of this magical mirror and magical box? Something like a magical treasure chest...

SEE?? AREN'T THEY JUST ABSOLUTELY WEIRD?

I honestly don't know what to make of them.

Diasappointment towards Them

What a night. I just had a soiree yesterday night and it didn't go as well as I'd hoped it would. It makes me wonder, "Is Friday the 13th really cursed like what people say it is?". Let's rewind it back to February 12, the day before the D(Disappointment) day.

My best friend Denise and I keep on either calling, texting, or YM-ing each other. She is scared because she hasn't asked her parents about the soiree yet and she's going to be news reporting tomorrow. So I guess, it's nerves mixed with anxiety and blended together with apprehension to form the perfect "scared-tishless" frappuccino. I am comforting her and encouraging her to think positive. I am her eternal cheerleader, I will tell her tomorrow. Then, I am trying to sleep. Denise still hasn't asked her parents about the soiree because her parents aren't home yet.

While trying to fall into the sweet comfort of unconsciousness, My mind is being troubled by thoughts about the day that is to come. My mind keeps on thinking about the soiree tomorrow, and God forbid it, it is excited. I will meet good guys tomorrow. Oh, joy!

February 13 creeps up on me fast enough. The night turns into morning and then I am back in school. Denise comes in. Her mom has said yes, BUT she has to ask her dad still. I am still enthusiastic and cheering her up, encouraging her to be optimistic. Morning turns into afternoon. I am preparing for the soiree and a friend of my brother's comes with him to our house. He is very tall. They're both preparing for a party too.

I go to Barbra's house, our(some of my classmates and I) meeting place. Denise was there, taking a shower. She is allowed to go. Yes!

We arrive at the host's house after picking up Janelle and Viviane, respectively. We are excited. We come in and then I go to the restroom! HAHA! My bladder was about to burst.

Anyhow, we find the guys and mehn were they mostly quiet, shy and suffice it to say that we were probably all disappointed that night. The kind of good-looking ones all were attracted like bee's are to honey to the--sorry for the term--sluts. HAHAHA. Then BAM, awkward awkward awkward to no end. We were all uncreative and I admit it was probably the girl's fault too. But hey now, it was the guys who invited us AND guys are supposed to be the ones who approach us, not the other way around. I don't know, maybe I was expecting some lingering traces of the obviously nonexistent virtue called chivalry in some of them. BUT, no, all they were able to talk about were teenager stuff. Soirees, scandals, people, etc.etc. Even my classmates were not volunteering anything. ARGH. They just went there and WELL we all expected the guys to do everything for us, I guess. Oh well.

It's so disappointing to find that there is most probably no guy in my generation who would be mature enough to talk with me about real life. About things like family, friends, life itself. Even just jokes. Sure there are some, but I'm guessing none would even be mature enough to talk with me about let's say, philosophy. Or even just good books. I was sorely mistaken about the maturity of 16 to 17 year old BOYS. I was hoping to click with them, you know. But no, I was very nicely thrown over the unending cliff of disappointment. Nice one, fate.

Maybe it just really means, I really have to wait until after college to find really mature guys who can actually stand up to me. Young boys aren't very fond of girls with actual thinking heads which aren't focused on boys, relationships and drama. Or maybe, it will be really hard to find guys who can stand up to me.

I kind of found one. And he is taken. See? All the decent guys really are either gay or taken. Woe is to me. I'm not even looking for a relationship in that sense, we were just looking for guy friends.

And what did we find?

Well, I'll leave that up to you to infer. I'm assuming you've enough information already.

Haha, all this on V day. :) It's ok really. I will not be sad today just because of them. This experience really just cemented my opinion about not having relationships at this age.

My Life As It Is

Since I am flawed by the inferiority complex, I have thought of a good idea--at least, I think it is--to boost my self-esteem. Every time I see or meet an inhumanly beautiful person, I will bless them with the most creative ugliest name ever. This way, instead of becoming paranoid and stimulating my not-so-dormant-ultra-competitive self, I will just be enormously humored. Yes, this is my kind of humor. Sorry to disgust.



Anyhow, I just received an e-mail for my aunt. She constantly reminds me of the fact that "I will accomplish great things.". It's kind of flattering but at the same time also it makes me feel like I have to NOT disappoint her. Pressure, man. Of course, I want to be "great" too. It's just that there are SO MANY things I want to do.

Here's a list:
I WANT TO:
- be a great artist
- be a great dancer
- be a great writer
- learn yoga and pilates
- become fluent in Chinese
- understand (at least) Japanese
- learn Spanish, European Languages basically
- attain a scholarship in Ateneo
- attain a scholarship in an Ivy League
- serve others: organizations
ETC.ETC.ETC.

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Just today, I found a side of my bestie I wasn't really aware existed. Hahaha...It's just that she is usually so kind and considerate that you wouldn't guess she could experience all sorts of negative emotions. Stupid assumption, I know. It doesn't really make me like her less. It's actually a good thing because now at least I know that she IS human too, not just an angel sent by God to be my friend. :)

That's all my thoughts for now, folks. :)
I'm so corny. Gotta eat and study.