I guess it has always been one of the greatest questions of all time. What is my purpose in this world? What exactly am I here for? What is my worth? Am I even valuable to today's society? Or am I dispensable?
Sometimes, I, myself, have claimed to know the answers to these mind-'bogglers'(Yes, a made-up word, indeed). But I guess some truths aren't as simple as they should be, some are two-sided and fickle.
I am writing in the midst of hell week, using valuable time for writing on this blog. But i can't help it. I feel like I've just been pummeled by a charging gargantuan rhinoceros, trampled by Hitler's Nazi army, and thrown a thousand feet deeper than the deepest pits of hell. Not a very nice feeling at all.
And this feeling of utter nothingness after, a grim acceptance of fate, aghast and miserable inside, is made all the worse because the tears seem to defy the laws of nature and refuse to fall. All the more worse because I cannot even manifest my misery and sheer hopelessness. Maybe it's shock, I don't know.
This terrible despair just over a damn 6-paged, 100 pointed, math algebra test. Is it worth it? I don't really know if it is for whoever or for this world. But the big deal is, to me it is. It matters so much that now I am again considering the meaning of my life. NO, I am not suicidal just miserable. And I hate it!
How can I be the one who defines myself by my grades? Is my academic achievement all that I possess? Is my worth, my whole being, my 'excellence', defined by an insufficient 2-digit number?? IS IT REALLY? Is this all that I have that can make me valuable in the world? My grades?
I guess, deep down this is what I believe in. A greater foolishness cannot be manifested. Yet, I can't seem to find other things which would make me have some worth in the world. Or am I looking at all the wrong places? Holy mama, I don't know.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
And that's the cherry on top of the icing on the cake. I've always took pride in my academic achievement because I guess I believe it is all I have, therefore, all that could make me valuable. Yet, is it really not meant to be? Is this not really my fate? To be an academic overachiever? Then what else can I be, really? I don't believe I have anything more to offer. My accomplishments were results of my hard work, none of them just by pure talent. Maybe some of the times, but very rarely. Yes, I know all of it, I can look at truth in the face. I know I'm good at art, maybe even better in writing, tolerable in singing and dancing. I even have compassion and I do like helping others. HOWEVER, all my 'great' accomplishments were never the product of my brilliance or excellence in these various fields, but they were born because of my Pride. The Pride in me that refuses to give up because I HAD to succeed. The Pride that gave me the determination and perseverance to be hard-working so as to accomplish great things. I knew if I wasn't at least 'excellent' in my studies, I have nothing more which I possess. See, I am NOTHING. Just a girl filled to the brim by arrogant Pride.
I am no great talent nor am I a selfless philanthropist,I am not the resplendently brilliant diamond in a jar full of copper coins, yet, why was I the one cursed with such great ambition?
Another question ranking the same level of mind 'bogglingness' as those mentioned beforehand.
Oh, Life, God, the Creator, why have you put me in this world where all I can hope to achieve is nothing?
I KNOW I should be thankful that I am receiving a decent education, others aren't. I have a whole family, other's do not. I am healthy, cancer-free, sane enough(I think), living luxuriously enough and I do have at least a quarter of a teaspoon of talent. MAN, I am ALIVE, and others are DEAD! (Or will never have the chance to be born.)
Yet what is the glitch or maybe not a glitch anymore but have become a GREAT FLAW in me that hinders me from being so?
Why is it that I can't get over the fact that because I failed to answer at least 5 questions worth multiple points in the damned 6-paged, 100 pointed math algebra II test? The failure to answering them that may lead to at least 20 points deduction which will result in a mark of 80 over 100 which may then pull my grades below the borderline grade of 85 in the report card which would then make it impossible for me to attain an honor, WHICH will then make me NOT a consistent honor student, therefore, never to go up the stage during graduation, which would then destroy all my dreams.
But then, the question: 'Why does it matter so much?', always ends up popping up. Why does it matter so much? How can my own thinking be so gruesomely warped and distorted that I can't seem to consider myself as a decent human being if I don't graduate with flying colors? I know, my records wouldn't be pristine, would not anymore be sickeningly pure line of 9's and filled with honors. My great "ACHIEVEMENT" and previous hard work to attain all the previous honors WOULD BE FOR NOTHING.
I MIGHT NEVER GO UP ON THAT STAGE ANYWAY! ALL BECAUSE OF ONE FREAKIN SUBJECT!
Which inevitably lead me to question my worth in this world. Was I really made to attain great academic achievements, or was I meant to have another destiny? Or do I have NO destiny at all? Then again, the same question: WHY GIVE ME THIS UNBEARABLE THIRST FOR EXCELLENCE? Or at least this warped form of excellence I can't help but yearn for.
What is my worth?
After all these thoughts have went through my head, my misery is still unable to profess itself. Resulting in this unbearable numbness, maybe even worse than hysterically weeping, mourning the probable impossibility of my dream because of a damned 2-digit number.
Is numbness really better? Or is it really just the calm before the storm?
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2 comments:
I think your “purpose” here on earth changes continuously. And I don’t think there is ever one right answer for the why-am-I-here question because there are a LOT that we can do but more so, a lot that is EXPECTED. You yourself are a LOT.
For me I just try to live the moment and forget about destiny and all that crap because really, no matter how much we focus on that destiny it wouldn’t turn into reality if we don’t work on it. Plus, the twists that are coming are probably much more interesting than your plans.
I think destiny is what you make of it seeing as how it’s not just raw talents that get you to places (as you have mentioned). There’s this quote… People don’t know who they are because they are continually becoming. I think this applies to life too – your life is continually becoming. Becoming what? I don’t know, but that’s the beauty of it. If everything is already predetermined then there would be no excitement because technically we’d all end up playing our parts at some play that isn’t OURS. And for me the truest answer to the why-am-I-here question is to make it yours.
This will lead me to answer your other question about numbness. No, I don’t think numbness is really better. I dunno, I think that’s just irrational. Why live if you don’t want to feel anything? Maybe you will never win against life, but at least you can get the most out of it – feel every moment, taste every sensation, live for every cause. Life is yours, so make it personal.
One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching. And what will make it worth watching? If you made every moment count by living a full life. And living a full life includes making mistakes. I mean, what kind of life would it be if you did everything perfectly? That’s just sad in my opinion :)) Some of the best stories people have told me include making a huge fool out of themselves. But so what? I’m sure you have some moments in your life that are undoubtedly epic. You need mistakes to balance it all out, to keep your feet firmly on the ground before you become an arrogant jerk who can never relate with those people you think are lesser people than you are. And life is about relating.
Walking on the stage and graduating with honors… it’s, well, wow. When people ask me what I’ve done in the past that made me feel really proud of myself, that’s the first thing that comes to mind. But then I never give that as an answer. Yes, I would love to have the perfect academic life – straight A’s, graduating with honors, going off to Stanford pre-med, then to John Hopkins for masters, then gaining residency at the toughest hospital as the best intern etcetc. It’s impressive, sure. But that’s only because you left out all the bad parts – not getting enough sleep, not having enough time to party, having to take Stresstabs, etcetc.
I swear you sound like me :)) I do measure my self-worth on grades because that’s where I excel, it’s my comfort ground. But it’s not really a very healthy foundation because self-worth… it’s too valuable to depend on grades. And I don’t know about you but when the matters in my personal and social life take a nosedive, I dive right in with them. Yet when it’s my academic life, the wound isn’t as deep. I think it’s because the truth is who I am as a person (which is what people look at – who you are as a PERSON) matters so much more.
No, you don’t know anything for sure. Hey, maybe all those theories aren’t TRUTH. But you can believe in something because that’s subjective and personal. So believe. Just believe. And believe in everything. (You never know, right? =p)
**getting off my soap box whahaha. sorry, had too much time in my hands and felt like thinking =p
Hahaha...thanks Daphne. I like long comments! Hehehe!
When i read your CLE Journal, I realized that you sounded like me too. LOL. Hahaha...
I like your advice and you really got me thinking too. You've put new 'lechon' to the table. (Hehe) Thanks for the comment and for thinking through this with me, but judging from the fact that we sound alike then I'd wager you've also had ideas about these things even before you read my blog.
You know that thing about destiny...I never really knew how to answer people who ask me whether I believe in destiny or not because I don't know the answer myself. It's just that sometimes it's easier to believe there is a specific plan God has for each one of us, which is good if the plan is actually for us to be GREAT, GLORIOUS and SUCCESSFUL, not so much, if you're just destined for mediocrity forever.
And sometimes it is easier to believe that we make our own destiny and our life is an unwritten book, when you think that you are destined for just mediocrity and want to achieve more than that. But believing in destiny helps when you experience the darkest moments in your life when someone dies for example, because you believe there's a reason for this loved ones death.
Just my thought. :)
Achieving all that honor-related greatness would be GREAT and good and all that, but I do know what achieving all of that 'greatness' entails. Being awake 24 hours a day and surviving on caffeine and on some cases (ahem, ahem...I guess alam mo naman sino iyong matatamaan nito, diba?) people lose their identity in their journey to that success. That's why sometimes I kind of believe (because of course, I don't want to believe it, hence the 'kind of believe') that I will NOT be successful when i grow up because I don't think I'm up for it, for whatever success entails.
The problem is, I want to be successful and rich and rolling in money and all that. I have so much ambition. I want to change the world, leave my mark in it, my legacy. I want to be remembered and renowned through time. DAMN IT, I want my name at the end of quotes! Hahaha...
I know it's very materialistic but I just can't help it. I do want to change it, but I kind of don't want to at the same time. Our Faith adds conflict to my already jumbled up mind because our Faith teaches us that what I'm desiring may not be entirely wrong, but it isn't entirely right either.
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