Mother, Mom, Mama, Mami

About time I reflected upon my tumultuous relationship with my mother. (Heh, can't remember if I have already written this, but for a long time now, I've been really fascinated with the idea of writing my "Last Will and Testament". It just seems so interesting 'cause you'll have to think like you ARE already dying. I think many of us would be surprised--or not, by what really is the most important to us, once we realize that we have a very limited(more so than usual) time here on earth.In the end,you might actually discover more about yourself after doing this exercise.)

Anyhow, I was digressing. But I just wanted to get that out of my system. Another future plan up ahead. Hahaha...

So I will reflect upon my relationship with my mother. Hahaha....(Same first sentence...No need to understand.) The first thing that comes to mind(or maybe only at this moment...I don't really know.), if I am ever asked, or put into the situation that I will have no other choice but to write about my parents--or if I just want to, like right now, write about them, is that my parents were never supportive. Oh, they were supportive about the right things, like school and studies, choir, and when I was swimming. But when I wanted to take art classes? No. When I was dying to learn conversational Chinese? NO. When I wanted to take up dance classes? NO.

It's so similar to all the things I've read about parents and their children. Parents rarely let their children become the people the children themselves want to be. Rather, they make their own children become who they want their children to be. And I hate it. There are so many things now that I see people (not necessarily parents) treat children which I promise myself(and I guess, my future children), I will never do to my FUTURE children.

My mom said she had promised herself when she was younger similar things too, and she told me that things don't always go as planned. But that's BULLCARP.

My parents--MY mom (this is mostly about my WONDERFUL mother) was never supportive. She's a big hunk of lazy human. She thinks because she's already OLD, a parent and an adult, she doesn't need to do anything else. Her life is FINISHED. And she's what 46? See? What a truckload of BS. BS.BS.BS. My mother is full of that.

I know it seems appallingly ungrateful of me to call my mother that. But let HER become your mom. And thing I hate most(about her and PEOPLE in general) is that people often set up a facade in public. My mother's all smiling faces and charming around OTHER people. But with her family? Fill in the blanks yourself. It's not rocket science.

Yeah, I know that human beings act differently in another environment or with a set of people than they do with others. People may act differently if they're with the family, or with friends. But is it too hard to SMILE--FOR FEEK's SAKE--just SMILE, around your family. What makes her smile? My youngest sister's antics. Yea, makes me wish that eleven years ago I had made her smile too, right? I doubt it. I was a demon child, the black sheep, or the spawn of Satan, if you will.

HAHAHA...but that's a whole other story. I'll just stick with this discussion about my mother.

Whenever I want to do something, like go to dance classes, I have to fight for it. I have to constantly nag, whine, and be generally annoying and insufferable, to get enrolled. I guess they might be training me for the real world, where if you REALLY want something, you HAVE to fight tooth and nail for it. (YEA RIGHT.)

As I've said, my mother is just one big hunk of lazy human. She doesn't have goals, as far as I know. Probably why she's always cranky and generally unpleasant. Bossy, too prideful, think she's always right. I guess, I should be happy that she isn't abusive, an alcoholic, a cheater, or whatnot. But is that really all there is I can thank her for? For all the things she isn't? (and heck, I can NOT thank her for these too.) How about for all the things she is? Yea, she's the one I go shop my clothes with. She used to help me with homework, and now he does my younger sisters. (But it's school. DUH.)She cooks RARELY, she cleans the house even more RARELY, she fetches us from school RARELY. Yea, she works to feed us. But mostly, her business doesn't require her presence, so what does she do? Lounges around the house just like a big hunk of lazy human, and she watches TV, lying down, signing checks, sleeping. See? Lazy. She doesn't read, or garden, she doesn't even really take care of my youngest sister FULL TIME (only before going to sleep). Those are the HELPERS' job/tasks. She doesn't organize the house (only very rarely).

I know she does care about us. I never said she didn't.

It's just that she could be a better mother.

She thinks because she's old, she doesn't have to do anything else. Like her life is over, she's even said once that she could die peacefully any time now. AND I WAS SO DISGUSTED, for once, I didn't even say anything. I mean, I'd picture a wholehearted mother (and probably this because she got pregnant with my father's child out of wedlock) as someone who would want to make sure that all of her children are well off into the world before they could peacefully die. I would picture REAL mothers to out their children as their first priority. I dunno if it's just a fairytale idea, but it's just that it's how I would think I would treat my children too, you know. Like they are the ones who will give me a purpose in life. The reason I live. And for my OWN mother to just say that ANY FREAKIN TIME NOW SHE WOUDN'T MIND IF SHE DIED?? WTHECK KINDOF MOTHER SAYS THAT???? To her children, nonetheless. It's really one of the things I will never ever forget.

It disgusts me.