Saturday, April 25, 2009

Mother, Mom, Mama, Mami

About time I reflected upon my tumultuous relationship with my mother. (Heh, can't remember if I have already written this, but for a long time now, I've been really fascinated with the idea of writing my "Last Will and Testament". It just seems so interesting 'cause you'll have to think like you ARE already dying. I think many of us would be surprised--or not, by what really is the most important to us, once we realize that we have a very limited(more so than usual) time here on earth.In the end,you might actually discover more about yourself after doing this exercise.)

Anyhow, I was digressing. But I just wanted to get that out of my system. Another future plan up ahead. Hahaha...

So I will reflect upon my relationship with my mother. Hahaha....(Same first sentence...No need to understand.) The first thing that comes to mind(or maybe only at this moment...I don't really know.), if I am ever asked, or put into the situation that I will have no other choice but to write about my parents--or if I just want to, like right now, write about them, is that my parents were never supportive. Oh, they were supportive about the right things, like school and studies, choir, and when I was swimming. But when I wanted to take art classes? No. When I was dying to learn conversational Chinese? NO. When I wanted to take up dance classes? NO.

It's so similar to all the things I've read about parents and their children. Parents rarely let their children become the people the children themselves want to be. Rather, they make their own children become who they want their children to be. And I hate it. There are so many things now that I see people (not necessarily parents) treat children which I promise myself(and I guess, my future children), I will never do to my FUTURE children.

My mom said she had promised herself when she was younger similar things too, and she told me that things don't always go as planned. But that's BULLCARP.

My parents--MY mom (this is mostly about my WONDERFUL mother) was never supportive. She's a big hunk of lazy human. She thinks because she's already OLD, a parent and an adult, she doesn't need to do anything else. Her life is FINISHED. And she's what 46? See? What a truckload of BS. BS.BS.BS. My mother is full of that.

I know it seems appallingly ungrateful of me to call my mother that. But let HER become your mom. And thing I hate most(about her and PEOPLE in general) is that people often set up a facade in public. My mother's all smiling faces and charming around OTHER people. But with her family? Fill in the blanks yourself. It's not rocket science.

Yeah, I know that human beings act differently in another environment or with a set of people than they do with others. People may act differently if they're with the family, or with friends. But is it too hard to SMILE--FOR FEEK's SAKE--just SMILE, around your family. What makes her smile? My youngest sister's antics. Yea, makes me wish that eleven years ago I had made her smile too, right? I doubt it. I was a demon child, the black sheep, or the spawn of Satan, if you will.

HAHAHA...but that's a whole other story. I'll just stick with this discussion about my mother.

Whenever I want to do something, like go to dance classes, I have to fight for it. I have to constantly nag, whine, and be generally annoying and insufferable, to get enrolled. I guess they might be training me for the real world, where if you REALLY want something, you HAVE to fight tooth and nail for it. (YEA RIGHT.)

As I've said, my mother is just one big hunk of lazy human. She doesn't have goals, as far as I know. Probably why she's always cranky and generally unpleasant. Bossy, too prideful, think she's always right. I guess, I should be happy that she isn't abusive, an alcoholic, a cheater, or whatnot. But is that really all there is I can thank her for? For all the things she isn't? (and heck, I can NOT thank her for these too.) How about for all the things she is? Yea, she's the one I go shop my clothes with. She used to help me with homework, and now he does my younger sisters. (But it's school. DUH.)She cooks RARELY, she cleans the house even more RARELY, she fetches us from school RARELY. Yea, she works to feed us. But mostly, her business doesn't require her presence, so what does she do? Lounges around the house just like a big hunk of lazy human, and she watches TV, lying down, signing checks, sleeping. See? Lazy. She doesn't read, or garden, she doesn't even really take care of my youngest sister FULL TIME (only before going to sleep). Those are the HELPERS' job/tasks. She doesn't organize the house (only very rarely).

I know she does care about us. I never said she didn't.

It's just that she could be a better mother.

She thinks because she's old, she doesn't have to do anything else. Like her life is over, she's even said once that she could die peacefully any time now. AND I WAS SO DISGUSTED, for once, I didn't even say anything. I mean, I'd picture a wholehearted mother (and probably this because she got pregnant with my father's child out of wedlock) as someone who would want to make sure that all of her children are well off into the world before they could peacefully die. I would picture REAL mothers to out their children as their first priority. I dunno if it's just a fairytale idea, but it's just that it's how I would think I would treat my children too, you know. Like they are the ones who will give me a purpose in life. The reason I live. And for my OWN mother to just say that ANY FREAKIN TIME NOW SHE WOUDN'T MIND IF SHE DIED?? WTHECK KINDOF MOTHER SAYS THAT???? To her children, nonetheless. It's really one of the things I will never ever forget.

It disgusts me.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Crosses

"Other men's crosses are not mine."

Hmmmm... There's an argument going on inside my war zone of a mind for a while. (But now that I think about it, I'm thinking that it hasn't been going on in my head for just a "while"...it's been there for much longer than that. Since I was at my younger years probably. It's just now that I chose to really face the dragon head on. Yet, there are still so many dragons I must face--well, I guess everyone has his own deposit of dragons to be faced.) See, one side agrees with the quote up there. It's kind of like what my CLE teacher, Ms. Ng, said one time. That you do your part, and if the other party won't do theirs, then it isn't your problem anymore. It's theirs. The specific example at that time was the issue of what course of action to take when you meet a beggar. Will you give them money though it would probably go into the beggar's "master"'s pocket? Will you give the beggar money though this beggar can still choose to have a job? Will you give the beggar money though in the end, it might only be used for more harm than good? Will you give the beggar anything at all and risk the chance of the beggar's utter dependence on people who give them money?

My teacher admitted that it was a hard decision to make--especially if you don't know if the beggar is REALLY a beggar. The person may just be pulling your leg. But Ms. Ng said that the way she thinks about it is that she will give the beggar whatever, and that is her part--her good deed. And whatever the beggar decides to do with what she's given him/her, then that's his/her part--whether good of bad.

She brought this up again when we were discussing the movie(which I still haven't gotten the chance to watch YET), "Facing the Giants".

My parents tell this to me too. I guess any sane person who doesn't want to get involved in messy business would follow this motto, which in simpler words is just "Mind your own business."

Obviously, I'm the person on the other side of the fence. I REALLY want to disagree. But truth be told, I'm just really torn. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Yeah, I guess the simplest way to know what's right is by asking, "WWJD?(What Would Jesus Do?)". But sometimes, it's not that easy--or I may be just complicating things but WTHeck? I am digressing.

My side is that how can you just MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS? your own problems, etc.etc. See, Jesus WOULD NOT mind his own business. DUDE, he DIED for the whole human race. If he just minded his own business, then he wouldn't have cared--YEAH, I know, minding your own business is not the same as only caring about yourself, BUT damn, well, it's close as close can be--about any of us. Jesus carried ALL our crosses. So I guess the right thing to do is be just as selfless as Him, right? Because it is what Jesus would do. And just like this Buddhist teaching about all of us being connected. This idea's also repeated in Mitch Albom's books. So if all of us inevitably affects each other--

"..the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one."

--then that means that we should NOT mind our own business BECAUSE anybody's business is EVERYBODY's business. AGH. Get what I'm trying to say?

So what Jesus would do is not what my parents/teacher/sane people would do.

If everyone just minded his own business, then no one would help a person who tripped--because it's the fallen person's own business. Sure, I guess some people would rather not be helped and so keep up the facade that they don't need help from other people because 'nothing is wrong' rather than facing the humiliation, while others would be grateful for the help.

I just received a text message from our choir coordinator asking the choir members to pray for our conductor who's in the hospital right now. And I'm thinking about this issue again...and I'm thinking maybe the definition of business is what's wrong. I mean, see, it isn't OUR business what our conductor's choice of living is which could be what lead him to become hospitalized. But it is our business if he gets well enough to be our conductor again. AGH, I'm cunfused myself.

And I'm thinking maybe a simpler way to phrase this argument is: "Selfishness VS. Selflessness." I'm sure others would disagree that minding your own business is selfishness, but think about it. In the end, isn't it all just the same banana?

But the thing is that (thought occurred--SEE I hate writing things down. Writing is so slow compared to how thoughts go around inside my messy mind. I'm just beginning to write this thought, but already my brain has thought behind it....AGH. Hahahaha...)the reason that the motto "Mind your own business" was created in the first place is that we aren't all like Jesus. We are just humans (or not? are humans not limited to this?) so we can't carry EVERYONE's crosses. We aren't divine like HIM. We're just mere mortals. But the confusing part is that a lot agree that doing the right thing is equivalent to WJWD. But maybe it's not?

I DON'T KNOW.

This is my confusion since the beginning of time.

Hahaha... I need enlightenment. The thought that occurred==> the answer to everything is balance. So the answer is (Yes, I answer myself. Don't you?) you need to balance selfishness and selflessness. I mean that you have to know when to be selfish and when to be selfless?? HAHAHA...this is sounding ummm....

Yeah.

I need help, seriously. (Doesn't everyone?)

Love, KC