AMAZINGLY, I'm actually NOT depressed today. :) Just calm, everything's just fine.
Just a thought that have been plaguing me for a while.
It's just kind of sad to think that I live for the weekend, that every weekday, with all its burden--from school and whatnot--I just really, REALLY wait for the weekend to arrive. So I get 'rest' days which aren't at all enough or restful, what with choir and my tendency of sleeping later than I should. If you think about it, it IS a very miserable existence, if this really is just what my life is: an endless cycle of weekends and weekdays.
But, let us not contemplate such lonely thoughts today. Not today.
I've decided to write something happy for once, since I've realized I've been whining and complaining at almost all the entries I have ever posted here. Beforehand, I didn't even know what happy thoughts I was going to write about. But upon typing the word 'complaining', a memory was triggered so now I have something perfectly happy to write about. Wonderful.
Ms. Ng, our CLE (Christian Life Education) teacher, had always been a very cheerful person. And its always heartening to see her, because she lifts your face and literally turns your frown into an unwilling smile. She's a saint. And I can't forget the time--well, it wasn't that long ago--when she said that we shouldn't complain so much. That for the last two remaining periods after her class, we should try our best not to complain about anything, or better yet, not to complain at all. I forgot why, or what exactly was our lesson then. But more recently, we've watched the Passion of Christ, and it is honestly, the first time I have ever watched it. It really struck me, but what Ms. Ng has been saying (interrupting our watching) was what really struck me more.
Seeing all the blood gushing forth from every single wound inflicted on His body, the flesh being broken and lacerated by filthy, disgusting, yet sharp things, seeing Him tortured and handled so rudely and unfairly, you can't help but to grimace in pain, as if you're being punished yourself, or just to weep in agony. Well, truth be told, I did weep a lot in that movie, yet what made the tears flow more steadily was what Ms. Ng said. She said something along the lines of: It's remarkable how anyone could love us so much, so willing to suffer, die and be humiliated for us. We can never do anything that is enough to be deserving of this much love. WE DO NOT DESERVE HIS LOVE. And everytime we do something wrong, we cause him more pain too. And we are more at sin and at fault than the Romans who crucified him, for they literally did not entirely know what they were doing, that He really is divine. YET, we have all this evidence of His divinity and still we persecute Him. (She said she got this bit from C.S. Lewis and Mel Gibson, I think)
It just really struck something in me. She said, He had to be crucified, WHY? for me. For you, for us all.
It really is a great comfort that no matter how horrible a person you may think you are, how many sins you have committed, how many people you've persecuted yourself, SOMEONE will ALWAYS love you. Teacher said too that there is NOTHING, NOTHING ever that we can do to make God NOT love us.
He suffered so much for us, that's why we should make it worth it. You know, I've never really uncovered the secret of life or maybe in my subconscious I'm just refusing to accept and acknowledge it, but for sure I know one thing. I don't ever want to cause any person the same pain others inflicted on Him.(Duh, I know) Or even just a fraction of it. I don't ever want to cause Jesus any more pain than what he had to carry on that cross of his.
I know that now I've lost most of the vigor, zeal and life I had had previously. My will to live is just a lot less. Yet, I am content. I am happy for the simple knowledge that if there is no other thing certain in this world, His love for me is. And in Him, I seek my comfort.
I know about all the things people have said about religion, and all the arguments people have come up with. Maybe, He is just man's creation to comfort himself. To tell himself that this is not all that life beholds, that there is something after this life. Whatever other people may say, no matter how sound their argument, I know that He is here, with me, always.
Faith is founded on trust and love, and if the beauty of each raindrop that falls, the power of the thunder that shakes the earth, and the gentleness of the sun's caress upon your face is not proof enough of His everlasting presence here with us, then maybe nothing ever will be good enough for you. And if that is so, I pity you.
P.S. And I almost forgot something, teacher also said that we shouldn't be sad at all when watching the Passion, because it is a happy story. It is the greatest love story ever told.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Writing, is it my calling?
I've been insufferably plagued by these insistent urges to write about this novel I've been outlining and planning inside my head for quite a while. (FINE, it has had a few years of planning...but not really continuous planning, more like periodic planning.)
This image/words/thoughts/whatnot(I can't really justifiably define it, whatever it is, because it happens inside my cluttered head.) can't get out of my head.
Striking, bright yellow eyes stared back at me from the corner of my bed. Another pair of eyes appeared right next to them, except these ones were constantly changing color. They conspicuously stood out against the stark darkness of my room. Yet, instead of being downright frightened and alarmed had I been any other person but me, I did nothing at all and just stared right back, waiting for the inevitable.
"It's time" the owner of the yellow eyes said.
It's a scene from the story/novel/trash that is being constructed inside the workroom called my brain. And obviously, there's a lot more story behind than just it...I just can't...ugh...I don't know what's wrong with me. (Here's a little tidbit--it's closely related to our religion, except it's fantasy and sci-fi and about the end of the world...things like that, the second coming of Christ. And the three people which are portrayed in the previously presented scene is the central focus of the story. They're kind of like reincarnations of Mary, Joseph and an extra character, although they AREN'T Joseph and Mary, just the ones who get their roles. Something like that. Oh, this story has been brewing inside my brain for ages.)
Anyhow, I had wanted to write about something else here, previously, but I'll have to postpone it again because I if I start writing about it (It being colonial mentality in the Philippines.) then I'd end up making a very boring, long-winded discussion/debate/rant entry. SO, that's for another time. :)
This image/words/thoughts/whatnot(I can't really justifiably define it, whatever it is, because it happens inside my cluttered head.) can't get out of my head.
Striking, bright yellow eyes stared back at me from the corner of my bed. Another pair of eyes appeared right next to them, except these ones were constantly changing color. They conspicuously stood out against the stark darkness of my room. Yet, instead of being downright frightened and alarmed had I been any other person but me, I did nothing at all and just stared right back, waiting for the inevitable.
"It's time" the owner of the yellow eyes said.
It's a scene from the story/novel/trash that is being constructed inside the workroom called my brain. And obviously, there's a lot more story behind than just it...I just can't...ugh...I don't know what's wrong with me. (Here's a little tidbit--it's closely related to our religion, except it's fantasy and sci-fi and about the end of the world...things like that, the second coming of Christ. And the three people which are portrayed in the previously presented scene is the central focus of the story. They're kind of like reincarnations of Mary, Joseph and an extra character, although they AREN'T Joseph and Mary, just the ones who get their roles. Something like that. Oh, this story has been brewing inside my brain for ages.)
Anyhow, I had wanted to write about something else here, previously, but I'll have to postpone it again because I if I start writing about it (It being colonial mentality in the Philippines.) then I'd end up making a very boring, long-winded discussion/debate/rant entry. SO, that's for another time. :)
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Kristina's Lament
I guess it has always been one of the greatest questions of all time. What is my purpose in this world? What exactly am I here for? What is my worth? Am I even valuable to today's society? Or am I dispensable?
Sometimes, I, myself, have claimed to know the answers to these mind-'bogglers'(Yes, a made-up word, indeed). But I guess some truths aren't as simple as they should be, some are two-sided and fickle.
I am writing in the midst of hell week, using valuable time for writing on this blog. But i can't help it. I feel like I've just been pummeled by a charging gargantuan rhinoceros, trampled by Hitler's Nazi army, and thrown a thousand feet deeper than the deepest pits of hell. Not a very nice feeling at all.
And this feeling of utter nothingness after, a grim acceptance of fate, aghast and miserable inside, is made all the worse because the tears seem to defy the laws of nature and refuse to fall. All the more worse because I cannot even manifest my misery and sheer hopelessness. Maybe it's shock, I don't know.
This terrible despair just over a damn 6-paged, 100 pointed, math algebra test. Is it worth it? I don't really know if it is for whoever or for this world. But the big deal is, to me it is. It matters so much that now I am again considering the meaning of my life. NO, I am not suicidal just miserable. And I hate it!
How can I be the one who defines myself by my grades? Is my academic achievement all that I possess? Is my worth, my whole being, my 'excellence', defined by an insufficient 2-digit number?? IS IT REALLY? Is this all that I have that can make me valuable in the world? My grades?
I guess, deep down this is what I believe in. A greater foolishness cannot be manifested. Yet, I can't seem to find other things which would make me have some worth in the world. Or am I looking at all the wrong places? Holy mama, I don't know.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
And that's the cherry on top of the icing on the cake. I've always took pride in my academic achievement because I guess I believe it is all I have, therefore, all that could make me valuable. Yet, is it really not meant to be? Is this not really my fate? To be an academic overachiever? Then what else can I be, really? I don't believe I have anything more to offer. My accomplishments were results of my hard work, none of them just by pure talent. Maybe some of the times, but very rarely. Yes, I know all of it, I can look at truth in the face. I know I'm good at art, maybe even better in writing, tolerable in singing and dancing. I even have compassion and I do like helping others. HOWEVER, all my 'great' accomplishments were never the product of my brilliance or excellence in these various fields, but they were born because of my Pride. The Pride in me that refuses to give up because I HAD to succeed. The Pride that gave me the determination and perseverance to be hard-working so as to accomplish great things. I knew if I wasn't at least 'excellent' in my studies, I have nothing more which I possess. See, I am NOTHING. Just a girl filled to the brim by arrogant Pride.
I am no great talent nor am I a selfless philanthropist,I am not the resplendently brilliant diamond in a jar full of copper coins, yet, why was I the one cursed with such great ambition?
Another question ranking the same level of mind 'bogglingness' as those mentioned beforehand.
Oh, Life, God, the Creator, why have you put me in this world where all I can hope to achieve is nothing?
I KNOW I should be thankful that I am receiving a decent education, others aren't. I have a whole family, other's do not. I am healthy, cancer-free, sane enough(I think), living luxuriously enough and I do have at least a quarter of a teaspoon of talent. MAN, I am ALIVE, and others are DEAD! (Or will never have the chance to be born.)
Yet what is the glitch or maybe not a glitch anymore but have become a GREAT FLAW in me that hinders me from being so?
Why is it that I can't get over the fact that because I failed to answer at least 5 questions worth multiple points in the damned 6-paged, 100 pointed math algebra II test? The failure to answering them that may lead to at least 20 points deduction which will result in a mark of 80 over 100 which may then pull my grades below the borderline grade of 85 in the report card which would then make it impossible for me to attain an honor, WHICH will then make me NOT a consistent honor student, therefore, never to go up the stage during graduation, which would then destroy all my dreams.
But then, the question: 'Why does it matter so much?', always ends up popping up. Why does it matter so much? How can my own thinking be so gruesomely warped and distorted that I can't seem to consider myself as a decent human being if I don't graduate with flying colors? I know, my records wouldn't be pristine, would not anymore be sickeningly pure line of 9's and filled with honors. My great "ACHIEVEMENT" and previous hard work to attain all the previous honors WOULD BE FOR NOTHING.
I MIGHT NEVER GO UP ON THAT STAGE ANYWAY! ALL BECAUSE OF ONE FREAKIN SUBJECT!
Which inevitably lead me to question my worth in this world. Was I really made to attain great academic achievements, or was I meant to have another destiny? Or do I have NO destiny at all? Then again, the same question: WHY GIVE ME THIS UNBEARABLE THIRST FOR EXCELLENCE? Or at least this warped form of excellence I can't help but yearn for.
What is my worth?
After all these thoughts have went through my head, my misery is still unable to profess itself. Resulting in this unbearable numbness, maybe even worse than hysterically weeping, mourning the probable impossibility of my dream because of a damned 2-digit number.
Is numbness really better? Or is it really just the calm before the storm?
Sometimes, I, myself, have claimed to know the answers to these mind-'bogglers'(Yes, a made-up word, indeed). But I guess some truths aren't as simple as they should be, some are two-sided and fickle.
I am writing in the midst of hell week, using valuable time for writing on this blog. But i can't help it. I feel like I've just been pummeled by a charging gargantuan rhinoceros, trampled by Hitler's Nazi army, and thrown a thousand feet deeper than the deepest pits of hell. Not a very nice feeling at all.
And this feeling of utter nothingness after, a grim acceptance of fate, aghast and miserable inside, is made all the worse because the tears seem to defy the laws of nature and refuse to fall. All the more worse because I cannot even manifest my misery and sheer hopelessness. Maybe it's shock, I don't know.
This terrible despair just over a damn 6-paged, 100 pointed, math algebra test. Is it worth it? I don't really know if it is for whoever or for this world. But the big deal is, to me it is. It matters so much that now I am again considering the meaning of my life. NO, I am not suicidal just miserable. And I hate it!
How can I be the one who defines myself by my grades? Is my academic achievement all that I possess? Is my worth, my whole being, my 'excellence', defined by an insufficient 2-digit number?? IS IT REALLY? Is this all that I have that can make me valuable in the world? My grades?
I guess, deep down this is what I believe in. A greater foolishness cannot be manifested. Yet, I can't seem to find other things which would make me have some worth in the world. Or am I looking at all the wrong places? Holy mama, I don't know.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
And that's the cherry on top of the icing on the cake. I've always took pride in my academic achievement because I guess I believe it is all I have, therefore, all that could make me valuable. Yet, is it really not meant to be? Is this not really my fate? To be an academic overachiever? Then what else can I be, really? I don't believe I have anything more to offer. My accomplishments were results of my hard work, none of them just by pure talent. Maybe some of the times, but very rarely. Yes, I know all of it, I can look at truth in the face. I know I'm good at art, maybe even better in writing, tolerable in singing and dancing. I even have compassion and I do like helping others. HOWEVER, all my 'great' accomplishments were never the product of my brilliance or excellence in these various fields, but they were born because of my Pride. The Pride in me that refuses to give up because I HAD to succeed. The Pride that gave me the determination and perseverance to be hard-working so as to accomplish great things. I knew if I wasn't at least 'excellent' in my studies, I have nothing more which I possess. See, I am NOTHING. Just a girl filled to the brim by arrogant Pride.
I am no great talent nor am I a selfless philanthropist,I am not the resplendently brilliant diamond in a jar full of copper coins, yet, why was I the one cursed with such great ambition?
Another question ranking the same level of mind 'bogglingness' as those mentioned beforehand.
Oh, Life, God, the Creator, why have you put me in this world where all I can hope to achieve is nothing?
I KNOW I should be thankful that I am receiving a decent education, others aren't. I have a whole family, other's do not. I am healthy, cancer-free, sane enough(I think), living luxuriously enough and I do have at least a quarter of a teaspoon of talent. MAN, I am ALIVE, and others are DEAD! (Or will never have the chance to be born.)
Yet what is the glitch or maybe not a glitch anymore but have become a GREAT FLAW in me that hinders me from being so?
Why is it that I can't get over the fact that because I failed to answer at least 5 questions worth multiple points in the damned 6-paged, 100 pointed math algebra II test? The failure to answering them that may lead to at least 20 points deduction which will result in a mark of 80 over 100 which may then pull my grades below the borderline grade of 85 in the report card which would then make it impossible for me to attain an honor, WHICH will then make me NOT a consistent honor student, therefore, never to go up the stage during graduation, which would then destroy all my dreams.
But then, the question: 'Why does it matter so much?', always ends up popping up. Why does it matter so much? How can my own thinking be so gruesomely warped and distorted that I can't seem to consider myself as a decent human being if I don't graduate with flying colors? I know, my records wouldn't be pristine, would not anymore be sickeningly pure line of 9's and filled with honors. My great "ACHIEVEMENT" and previous hard work to attain all the previous honors WOULD BE FOR NOTHING.
I MIGHT NEVER GO UP ON THAT STAGE ANYWAY! ALL BECAUSE OF ONE FREAKIN SUBJECT!
Which inevitably lead me to question my worth in this world. Was I really made to attain great academic achievements, or was I meant to have another destiny? Or do I have NO destiny at all? Then again, the same question: WHY GIVE ME THIS UNBEARABLE THIRST FOR EXCELLENCE? Or at least this warped form of excellence I can't help but yearn for.
What is my worth?
After all these thoughts have went through my head, my misery is still unable to profess itself. Resulting in this unbearable numbness, maybe even worse than hysterically weeping, mourning the probable impossibility of my dream because of a damned 2-digit number.
Is numbness really better? Or is it really just the calm before the storm?
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Hell Week
Hell week's just waiting by the corner. SHOCKS. 2nd Quarter Periodical Tests... Lots and lots of topics and lessons. HOPE I can make my brain work up to par all throughout the whole week. AND that I get off my lazy butt.
MEHN. Wasn't really inspired much to write about anything specific. What should I write about? Well, I just hope I get line of nines in the PT's, get a higher honor, and loose weight! YEY! Hehehe...but during PT's I actually end up eating more as a form of procrastination. :|
ANYHOW, enough about the PT's.
Lately, I haven't been able to go out much. Been busy, schoolwork, choir practices and of course, READING. (I do hope one day I could be the one making the writing...) Starting last month, I was the kind of choir head/president, and I'm happy because my voice quality has improved by a milestone. :) I hope the improvement remains steady. With my new vocal prowess (:D) I am now a member of the choir's group A, aka the elite. Hahaha... J/K! But we are the kind of elite in a way because only group A members would be able to perform/compete. The group B's would be like trainees.
Good accomplishment.
OH, now I know what to really rant about. MATH is just killing me. QUIZESS: 7.5, 7, 7, 9.5, 10, 10, bagsak(I think), bagsak(I wager)...Don't have them yet! NAKAKAINIS! Ms. Bugayong should just give them already, she checks so slowly! MAN. Now PT's just around the corner, how can we review if we don't know our mistakes?? I hope I still get an 85 at least in math. :| It's because Ms. Bugayong has been absent for decades so we had to catch up, therefore get bombarded with lessons and have to take tests immediately after even if we haven't even completely mastered these lessons yet when the other two sections(star sec.) have already had several practice sheets/whatnot. HOW unfair.
I guess my Filipino's just as bad. 10, 9, 7, 6, 9, 9, 8 cancel the 6. STILL LOW. Just happy she's making me recite more, so at least I can make up for it somewhat. Hope I get line of 9!!!
So these are just little tidbits of what's going on in my head (which has decided, on the worst moment ever, to go on leave. So I am also currently brain dead, or at least my brain is lagging....) which has almost too much to handle.
LOVELOVELOVE--KC
"If God sends us on stony paths, he will provide us with strong shoes."
...have to advance Chinese! Dami aaralin. :(
MEHN. Wasn't really inspired much to write about anything specific. What should I write about? Well, I just hope I get line of nines in the PT's, get a higher honor, and loose weight! YEY! Hehehe...but during PT's I actually end up eating more as a form of procrastination. :|
ANYHOW, enough about the PT's.
Lately, I haven't been able to go out much. Been busy, schoolwork, choir practices and of course, READING. (I do hope one day I could be the one making the writing...) Starting last month, I was the kind of choir head/president, and I'm happy because my voice quality has improved by a milestone. :) I hope the improvement remains steady. With my new vocal prowess (:D) I am now a member of the choir's group A, aka the elite. Hahaha... J/K! But we are the kind of elite in a way because only group A members would be able to perform/compete. The group B's would be like trainees.
Good accomplishment.
OH, now I know what to really rant about. MATH is just killing me. QUIZESS: 7.5, 7, 7, 9.5, 10, 10, bagsak(I think), bagsak(I wager)...Don't have them yet! NAKAKAINIS! Ms. Bugayong should just give them already, she checks so slowly! MAN. Now PT's just around the corner, how can we review if we don't know our mistakes?? I hope I still get an 85 at least in math. :| It's because Ms. Bugayong has been absent for decades so we had to catch up, therefore get bombarded with lessons and have to take tests immediately after even if we haven't even completely mastered these lessons yet when the other two sections(star sec.) have already had several practice sheets/whatnot. HOW unfair.
I guess my Filipino's just as bad. 10, 9, 7, 6, 9, 9, 8 cancel the 6. STILL LOW. Just happy she's making me recite more, so at least I can make up for it somewhat. Hope I get line of 9!!!
So these are just little tidbits of what's going on in my head (which has decided, on the worst moment ever, to go on leave. So I am also currently brain dead, or at least my brain is lagging....) which has almost too much to handle.
LOVELOVELOVE--KC
"If God sends us on stony paths, he will provide us with strong shoes."
...have to advance Chinese! Dami aaralin. :(
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