Emptiness

I feel so hopeless. I feel so empty. Like I'm just some walking corpse, empty inside. yeah, yeah, yeah, emo, all that shit. Whatever. Eat shit. If you don't even understand what I'm saying then you're not even worth it.

Whenever I'm feeling down or that when I feel like just giving up, I have nowhere to run to. I'm a kid. I know nothing. I'm stuck. No one will hear me out. No one I can trust to listen to everything I'll have to say. Every piece of harshness and cruelty and goodness and benevolence I will have to say. No one who would really listen and not judge me. No one in my life. Only thing I can do? Cry my freakin' eyeballs out. And the only thing keeping me sane? Nothing. Exactly. I am an insane young girl. Ha. ha.

I've been reading "A Purpose Driven Life" because, if you don't know then you're just really, really, daft. Obviously it's because i feel like I'm living for nothing. Breathing, enduring, all for nothing. And you know what, I don't even think it's all worth it. Sometimes I really just want to go and leave everything. I just wanna DIE. SHEEET. But I know it's a sin and I'm a coward so I never really tried it.

And as contradictory as it may seem, I have dreams, lots of them. I wanna be super rich and successful. I want to leave my mark on earth, I want my name to be at the end of famous quotes. I want to be remembered. I want to save the environment. I want to stop global warming or at least control it. I want to be happy. I want to be an artist, a dancer. I want to be good in everything I do, or even just EXCELLENT in art and dancing and academics. I wantED to write a book that will change the world and be as much of a global phenomenon as HP or better yet, even more. I want to meet that special someone and to marry him and have children. I want to experience raising my children and having a family. I want my soul mate to be there when the time comes and to take care for me. I want happiness. I want the happy ending, the happily ever after. The fantasy Disney princess ending. I want want want want want SO MUCH. And I'm afraid I'll never even get just one of them. I'm afraid that I'll never be even strong enough to accomplish any of those dreams. I don't even think anyone will be capable of loving me and everything that is me.

I'm such a nothing. I'm nothing. There's nothing I am truly proud of at myself so I resort to superficial things to make myself proud of me.

I feel so useless. I feel so cruel. I feel feel feel feel feeel...

So according to the book I'm reading, you aren't supposed to be happy here in the Earth because this is not your home. Our home is heaven. When we die, it is not the end, it is when we are born into heaven. "And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life." -Prayer of St. Francis

And I want to be home, where there is eternal and pure happiness. When i will see my Maker and talk to Him. Somewhere I won't be bothered by these petty things. Like school and my room and my family and generally my life. WHY can it not just END??? HOLY EFFING PACKING TAE!!! WHY THE HECK NOT?? I don't want this anymore. There's NOTHING in this life for me. NOTHING. NO-THING. NO-ONE. N O T H I N G. N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

NOTHING.

nothing. NO ONE. NONE.

But I know deep inside that isn't true. I do want to live because I have my family and even if they don't understand me(yes Bean is right, no one truly understands anybody, not even YOU understand yourself, at least not entirely.)I do love them. And I have too much dreams and the one dream I love the most is my dream to love wholeheartedly and to be loved unconditionally in return. To have children who are both a part of me and someone I love so much it hurts. To love and be loved.

Even I'm getting sick of my romantic thoughts.

...

But I guess it'll never happen. But I'm still hoping that it will happen.

The paradox that is me. WELCOME.

GoT, I hate school.

KILL me now please. But of course, I don't mean that.

But I HATE SCHOOL-that, I mean.