Kapayapaan

Tinamaan talaga ako. Grabe.

Yesterday, we had a Cabochan Motorcade in Caloocan, 2nd District, as a last hurrah for Tito Carling's campaign. He is hoping to become the Congressman.

But that is not the subject of this entry. It's actually the mass that went after it.


But before that...

See, throughout my whole life, I have had an off-again, on-again relationship with my mother. She hates me. Then, sometimes I feel as if she loves me. So I'm one confused little girl. Well, I ain't that--according to her.

I'm the most arrogant, conceited, worthless piece of demonic horse shit that ever existed. (And the thing is...I agree.)

Thanks, mom.

So ironic. Heck, it's even friggin' Mother's Day today.

Perfect, right?

Anyhow, back to our weird relationship. The reason we break up? Simple.

My fault.

Always.

The reason we get back together? I admit it's my fault.

Always.

Or at least she gives this pre-forgiving (but not really) speech to me, wherein she clarifies how everything is my fault and none of it is hers. She has many different versions of it, but all they really come down to is: "I'm right; you're wrong. You'll always be wrong and I will always be right, so there's no use in you explaining your side to me. So shut up and I'll forgive you."

And all that's running through my mind is: "Here we go again. You're right... Yea, right."

Hahahaha... when did I ever turn into this arrogant, worthless piece of slob who disses her own mother? Oh, yeah. Ever since I was born, according to the one and only.

The thing is, whenever we fight, she usually makes me feel like sh--. And the thing is, I have no defense against it...why? Because there's this stupid function deeply embedded in the human genome that compels all human beings to love their parents...no matter how undeserving they may be...and to yearn that love to be given in return.

So I'm helpless against all the daggers she throws at my heart, and all I can do is to act like I'm completely unaffected by all of it.

But she doesn't really realize there's a huge chink in my armor, and even if she does and I tell her, she's gonna be overjoyed about it and I ... I admit it, I just can't really stand the fact that she wins this one...

again.

And I lose. Again.

And I hate myself a little more.



Here ought to lie a divider sine I'll be discussing the next main point.



You see, I've always thought I had a healthy dose of self-esteem.

I'm not anorexic, bulimic, a smoker, an alcoholic, I don't have suicidal thoughts, I don't lash myself. I carry myself with confidence. I'm confident in my beliefs, or at least I know who I am and what I chose to believe in. I'm not lost in this place called life. I know what I want to accomplish. I do have the end in mind. I read self-help books, I read psychological books.

I'm the person who gives the inspiration, not the one who receives it. Of course, at some point, we must receive inspiration, but I already have this huge stock of it (due to a time in my life when I had harbored this deep hatred and disgust for myself and thought of dying just to end it all but then had a huge turnabout)that I keep on adding to with my own realizations/eureka moments/observations. That's why I hate it when people speaking to inspire think the things they're sharing are new and awesome and is supposed to inspire me when I've already heard/known about it before. And that's also why I am awed and highly respect those who give new inspiration to me, enlightening me more, giving me new thoughts and inspiration for new realizations.

But the thing is, I've realized, I do hate myself...or I began to do it AGAIN--even though I thought I was past that and already larger, much larger than myself before that I won't even stoop to that level anymore.

But people would never, ever, ever think--ever even conceive of the enormity of the intense hatred I have for myself.

And I do.

Why?

Because I am selfish and conceited and have no grace, no humility, no repentance... I'm a BEACH.

And...there's no use blaming my mother for it because I must learn to take responsibility for my life...but

she is one large reason I hate myself. Or at least she's the one who made me realize why I should hate myself by displaying them all out right before my face.

She made me realize that no one really needs me. (And here is why I believe people need to feel needed by others.) If I die, my mom has Ileana, the school has about 249 other students in my batch, they could replace me anywhere. My parents don't need me, my family doesn't need me. My sisters have Ileana and my parents. My brothers have their parents. My uncle and aunts have their children, my grandmother has her children...Now this sounds so stupid but it really made sense when I was thinking of it myself in my depressed little brain. POINT IS, IF I DIE, NO ONE WOULD CARE.

But I also thought that I could make myself needed by being the ideal person everyone would need...but isn't that too just another view people have of me that I'm trying to fit myself into? So would that truly work out in the end and make me effective and happy? I don't really know.

Now comes back my existentialist thinking. SEE??

This is why I hate myself. Just when I thought I was more mature and wiser, I return to my old thoughts about my worthlessness and suicide.



I had this dream too.

I was campaigning for a position in the government, but instead of my mother helping, she was leading the campaign against me. She hates me. And that hurt me.

And then somehow, people found out I had this phobia of sharp objects that can draw blood, especially broken glass. Then suddenly, my brother throws this piece of broken glass at me, at my neck, and out pours blood. And that sickened me.

Of course, at this point, I woke up. But not without folding my neck over and keeping a hand over it, still uneasy about both parts of the dream.

But I dunno, maybe this is my brain sending me subliminal messages about how much my mother hates me? Or how much I need her?




I don't know. I'm confused. And alone.


But I know I have God...but I know that I'm not exactly on his good side either. But I know that he has forgiven me and he will continue to do so.






But what what do you do when you yourself are disgusted and hate yourself and think you don't deserve even a quarter portion of forgiveness from those who will be so kind as to willingly forgive you? What if you realize that you believe you don't even deserve their love and forgiveness?

And I don't. I really don't. That's why I hate myself even more.


GAHHHHH.



But then, what was the point of this entry? Kapayapaan. Peace.

When we had the mass, the priest's homily centered on peace. And it was like God meant for that sermon to be utterly for me. I couldn't help crying during the mass.

I hate crying in public.

The priest said that peace is not merely the absence of war (I'd think that of course he was talking about peace in the elections and in our country too...) but it meant peace with ourselves too.

And as you can see, I have this deep inner turmoil within.

Then he said, we must remember that we weren't made out of evil, out of darkness and Satan. We were made by God, from a part of him and are destined to become a part of him.

We are made out of light.

Then he also said that we can't have peace unless we have peace with other people. And you know I have none of that with my mother.

Lastly, as I remembered, he said whenever we give peace to others, it isn't our own peace we're giving. It is the peace of God we're offering to others.


Is this a message from God?


I don't know too.

But I'm hoping it is. and half-hoping it is not because I still can't find it in my heart to forgive and love myself and in turn give forgiveness and love to others.

See, the point is...

I hate me.

I hate myself. But I would give anything to love myself again.

CARLING CABOCHAN. Una sa Kabutihan. (Walang Kalokohan. Totoong Usapan. :))

Hey guys! I just need a little help. I know everyone hates chain messages, but it sure is an effective way of getting things around. So here is a simple message I'm hoping you could forward to everyone, even though I won't be threatening you with a little girl you will see in your mirror at 12 midnight. PLEASE, for anyone living or who knows someone living in CALOOCAN, VOTE my uncle, Carling Cabochan for the Congress, 2nd District. Una sa Kabutihan :) He's just a little behind his main competitor, and the simple clicking away at the keyboards that you will do for him to spread the news may change the outcome of the final elections! Thank you! --Kristina Cabochan

Yes, that is the CHAIN MESSAGE I sent to everyone I know in YM. :) HAHAHAH! Please, whoever else is in Caloocan or affiliated with anyone from there, vote or tell others to vote for my uncle. I can guarantee you his honesty, sincerity, and true benevolence. Having seen him in action and asked him about his intentions, I know that his heart is in the right place.

SPREAD THE WORD.

Forgot

Ok. I just had another epiphany. But I forgot about it again. Oh well. I'll just share this little wisecrack that made me crack up from the book "Wisecracks" by Tom Burns

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

I WANT a painted room.

Exactly as the title says. I really want to paint my room this summer. I even have a plan already! But it will be a GREAT GREAT challenge. HAHAHAHA! I'm planning to paint even my CEILING. We'll see about that. I'm gonna try to do everything on paper first.

Here are some painted rooms I saw on google. :)







Awesome, aren't they? :D

Epiphany Number Three hundred eighty three million, six hundred fifty four thousand, eight hundr--oh, what the heck.

Just had another epiphany! :) Just was thinking again about my future after a little crazy dance mania with myself and mah iPod in an AIR CONDITIONED ROOM, YEA! :D --and well, I thought that in the future I could be a CLE teacher for a little while and at the same time still be a dancer/choreographer AND I WILL EDIT THE CLE BOOKS WE HAVE NOW, with Ms.Ng and Ms.Lo, maybe even with BO SANCHEZ--AND WE WILL MAKE IT THE MOST CONCISE, MOST FUN, AND MOST INSPIRATIONAL CLE BOOK EVAAAAAAAAAAAAH. :D BUWAHAHAHAHA! THAT would be so cool.

Watch think? Cool right? I'd still be able to be a missionary then because I will be teaching HS students and hopefully bring more of them closer to God. :) I still want to go to Africa and Afghanistan. I need to go there. I feeeeel it. :)

I have so many dreams and day by day I am becoming more and more sure of what I will study for college.

BRING IT ON, MOTHA FATE! :D

Just thought I'd share a picture of my new crush as of March 14, 2010. :) HE'S GOT THE HOTTEST TRICEPS, ARMS AND I'M BETTING ABS TOO. LAWRENCE DE VERA.

On the Brink

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Summer, I can taste you. :P

I love it! Thank the Lord, ALLELUIA! I got exempted in Filipino! *celebratory victory dance!!* YES! And Math-and HOPEFULLY, AP too. :)

I'm soooooooooo excited for summer. I've really put up real goals this time and I believe that I can reach 'em. So much is expected of me this coming school year, sometimes it's daunting, sometimes it's flattering, but really, I'm just hoping that God will carry me through it all. Hopefully, I can even brush up even more on my work ethics so I can really DOOOOOOOO EVERYTHING I want--and everything I am expected to do.

So the new developments include ME MAKING NEW FRIENDS--YEY! And this guy's totally sweet. :) He's my best friend's prom date. :)-- I can't stop the smileys. AHHHHHHHHH. Anyway, I'm also glad because school's ending. I bloody need the respite. I need ta rest. I'm bone tired. ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDD, we're gonna go KTV-ing this Wednesday, after the last PT--or exam. YESSSSSSSSSH. I'm so excited. And we're gonna watch Remember Me. :)

I'm really looking forward to the future. I have awesome friends, an awesome family and THE GREATEST GOOOOOOOOOOD helping me through everything.

Thank you so much Jesse. :) JC, I LOVE YOU. :D

BUMMED

Yesterday was our prom night. Yes, it was fun. But I was picked up too early and thinking my friends have gone already, willingly went with my mom to go back home. I was not able to take photos with my friends. I was not able to dance as wildly as I want on the dance floor. I feel like poo. I missed out on a lot. :(

I can blame so many people for the missed opportunity. My mom for picking me up too erly. My date for not encouraging me to stay. My friends for "apparently" disappearing and not looking for me outside the ballroom. But in the end, it is only my own fault. My friends didn't know I was outside. My date didn't know I still wanted to stay. And my parents also didn't know I still wanted to party.

I hate feeling like this.

I shouldn't.

Was looking for things to cheer me up and these are some quotes I found that I feel ought to be remembered.

"The way to succeed is to double your error rate."
-- Thomas J. Watson

"Look not mournfully into the past, it comes not back again.
Wisely improve the present, it is thine. Go forth to meet the
shadowy future without fear and with a manly heart."
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live,
remember that."
-- J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone

"The great and glorious masterpiece of man is to know how to
live to purpose."
-- Michel de Montaigne

"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must
write if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What
one can be, one must be."
-- Abraham Maslow

"Once children learn how to learn, nothing is going to narrow
their mind."
-- Marva Collins

"Eating words has never given me indigestion."
-- Winston Churchill