The Search for Something More

Sometimes it sickens me to see so many skinny, beautiful girls in EVERYTHING—posters, magazines, PICTURES ON TUMBLR, pictures on facebook, pictures, pictures pictures, movies, TV, etcetera.

I’ve always thought I was a pretty deep person with a strong foundation in my relationship with Him. I’ve always thought I have so much more foresight, insight, intellect, wisdom, goals, and dreams than the average girls who want to make themselves stick thin. And I still do believe I am that.

It’s just that there IS a certain pull, a certain attraction, a certain appeal to being “commercially” pretty, or being “pretty” or “beautiful” by the world’s standards.

It’s so easy to forget that when He made me, fashioned me out of His very words and very self, He made me into a masterpiece that is the one and only ME. It’s so easy to forget that for the most important being in the universe, in the whole existence of everything within and without our world, I AM BEAUTIFUL.

It’s so easy to forget that He died for me as much as He did for all those beautiful ladies that so many guys lust over. It’s so easy to forget that we are all unique and yet fundamentally equal.

Truly, people cannot walk on you if you do not lie on the ground yourself. As Eleanor Roosevelt has said it, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’.

I know it all starts in my brain. I know it’s me telling myself, “Oh, you girl. Poor, pitiful you. So overweight and chubby. So disgustingly FAT.” I know that I do exaggerate too. I know I’m not THAT FAT. I’m nowhere near obese.

But really, at the end of the day, while everything that pushes my mind into thinking that THIS particular brand of beauty is the ONLY beauty is from the media and outside influences, the decision—the choice to believe it rest in my hands.

And it’s a very easy choice to make. A very wrong choice, though as is the characteristic of most wrong choices, a very appealing one.

Usually, I’ll be too busy or preoccupied to really think about being a little on the chubby side that much, but it’s always there at the back of my mind.

And to be honest, MEDIA is working on me. I know I can never be as thin as those other girls because my body is different and I accept that. But I just want to be thinner in my own way.

And to be honest, I want to be thin for many reasons. One, I’ll feel so much more contented with how I look. Two, I’ll start believing that I can be equal to be in a relationship or at least paired up with my crushes.

HA. Just bringing those two up unearths so much more issues.

I just said we’re all equal and then I said that about my crushes. Well that’s proof number 1 that I am indeed a confused little lady. I know what’s right and what’s the REAL truth. But the reality of being a teenager in today’s times still creep up on me inside my thoughts. I do feel that I can never be good enough for my crushes because I’m not as thin as I should be…or think I should be.

And then also goes in the issue that I’m not even really looking for a boy right now. Methinks I am much too young for that.

And to be honest, the only reason that makes me stop myself from pushing my fingers inside my throat or starving myself to a thinner me is my self-respect.

Pride.

I don’t want to be equated to all those girls who think that external appearances is key. I DON’T.

And then of course come in all my other reasons for believing that I am perfect just the way I am too. His perfect love. And I know that if HE can love me to the point of DYING for me, then a man on earth here must be too.

But I do want to be healthier and more fit because I want to fulfill my full potential. I want to be a greater dancer, a greater person or a better one by being in my best condition BOTH inside AND out.

<3, me.